God has been so faithful and so awesome to bless His church here with some awesome musicians. Our worship team started off with two brothers, and as we anxiously wondered what we would do when one of them has to go back to school, we ask for more musicians, and by God’s grace He gives them to us.
Last Sunday, a Sunday amongst many where our team rocked, I managed to sneak a recording of our team as they play our exit song: God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen (Instrumental)
I’ve been overwhelmed lately with my need for God’s grace; and I’m amazed that God is faithful in His graciousness
By His grace, He’s given me gifts and talents, and by His loving discipline, He will also take them away. To my own shame, I have held confidence in what God has given me, and not to Who has given me. And through that I have been convicted again of my pride, and confidence in my God given ability and not in the God that has given them to me. Again, I’m convicted that that I’m fighting God for His glory, causing my soul to thrash around with me as I refuse to lay down my crown.
I can see how ministry can be an idol for me, how wanting to find affirmation in man’s praise. He’s taught me a lot, but the more I know, the greater the awareness I have of how much more I need to learn.
By God’s grace, he has given me responsibility within His church, and in love he would just as easily take that responsibility away from me. I feel like the more responsibility you have, the larger the liability you are and the greater your need for God’s grace. I feel like I am a 2.4 liter engine as opposed to a 1 liter engine I used to be, my need for God’s gas is ever greater, and if I don’t draw my strength from God as I ought to, I will try and draw from other people.
I wouldn’t say I have had huge conflict and disagreements, but there have been a few more than lately. And I guess that’s to be expected, but I fear them less now.
But again, wow – God has really used them to show me and teach me how much He makes a difference. Friendships do get strained when working on mission with people, ultimately because we’re all sinful and fallen and we do things so imperfectly. I realise how I my sin has manifested in relationships within my church family, again to my shame. But again, am so thankful that my God’s grace and wisdom, we’ve been able to hash things out together.
Conflicts suck, but I’ve found that by working things out, confessing your faults and forgiving each other has helped me understand the heart of the other person, and has compelled me to be more compassionate, more gracious than ever.
I looked around me last Sunday, and saw all the new people God’s bringing to our church plant. It’s amazing how many new faces I see, and at the same time I’m overwhelmed knowing how much love and how much of God’s grace we need. I see in our midst those who need God’s restoration and healing, who need God’s hope and the Gospel. I’m becoming more aware of how inadequate I am to help others, and realizing it’s not about me helping them, but God restoring and healing through the members of the church body.
I see how inadequate I am, and was so clearly reminded of my sin and was revolted by it along with my failures and my pride. Even writing this now, I question how much my nonchalant and lukewarm attitude is frustrating God. I do not want to be a hinderance to His kingdom, yet I am so aware of how I can be.
At the same time, realizing that I am inadequate on my own, but capable of doing anything through Him who gives me strength. I cannot do life alone and by myself. I need my church, I need the Gospel, I need community, I need Jesus, His grace and his strength.
I had tea with a friend today, about biblical counseling. And as we talked about a friend she said the more she read God’s word, the less she wanted to give her own advice and the more she wanted to point others back to God’s word. She thought it wise, and I would agree. Less of me, and more of Him – that’s Jesus!
I am frequently tempted by desires of being the “it” girl, and the functional savior, helper of all. Yet these things will only be to my destruction, I am reminded that my “job” is to point others back to Jesus. I ought not to give my own advise, but give God’s wisdom, and point others back to Him.
So with a couple of months of absence from online updates and what not, I suppose I felt compelled to jot down a few sentences in reflection over my mission, my heart, and more importantly my relationship with Jesus.
Today is the longest day of 2011, school is ending for most kids, and for our church, things are also heading in to summer mode. As families are planning all their summer vacations, our church is taking a break from our weekly small groups and will be having bi-weekly BIG groups where are whole church gathers. And in between those BIG groups, we’ll be doing a lot of hanging out.
God has been so faithful to meet with me even though I have not been seeking Him out as I should. He has been so gracious as to use me and work through me in spite of me… The firery passion I had when I came to Canada has died down, still perhaps some glowing ambers or a pilot light, but that honeymoon go-get-it can-do attitude has fizzled. I know it’s normal, but it’s disatisfying. I want to be satisfied completely by Him again. I desire to walk in the Spirit, to hear His voice daily, every moment, every minute.
We watched this video of Soma in Tacoma at one of our BIG groups as a part of our vision casting night. And in the last past weeks, in spite of myself, God has been showing me and teaching me more about what the church is; that church isn’t somewhere I go on a Sunday morning, but that the church is the body of believers. And as a body we gather together in our Sunday gatherings, our small groups, our big groups, when we hang out, and we also scatter like broken break in to our work places, our neighbourhood and communities.
I suppose I’ve been praying and asking God about my desires, asking him to reveal his desire for me and what the desire of my heart is. He has really shown me that I have a heart for the church. I love the church, I love my church, I love its people. I love walking with people, being on mission with them, walking and praying with people, talking about Jesus with them. I love being able to serve the church and I am so incredibly blessed in those times where the church has served me.
Even thinking about it now, I can almost see the love Christ must have had for the church that He so willingly died for her. Within the church there is a beautiful redemption story, of changed, transformed and restored lives, it’s constant, and it’s all because of Jesus’ work on the cross. The church is santified by the blood of Christ, the Church, the Bride, will wear white, for Christ makes her clean, holy and beautiful.
And even thinking about it now, I wonder whether my mind needs to repent, for I identify more with the sins I’ve been forgiven of rather than the redeemed and restored Bride of Christ. Yes, I know my ulitmate identity is in Christ. But rather, perhaps I do identify more with the sin that I have been saved from as opposed sanctified bride-to-be.
Anyway… I do love the Body, the Church, Jesus’ Bride.
So… a couple of months ago, we found out that one of the founding families of our church were leaving us. God has been calling them to serve somewhere else – about a 22 hour drive away in a remote town almost pretty much in the middle of nowhere. And in what felt like a week’s turn around they have put their home, possessions and business on sale.
This family has been such a pillar to our church plant: they’ve started, hosted and lead out our Youth program, hosted and lead a community group, took care of our church finances, and so much more. They’re going to be well and thoroughly missed. And in their future absence there will be a need of people to come along side and take ownership and responsibilities for the areas they have to leave behind. In their absence, others will have to step up.
I think I can speak for both my cousin and I when I say we feel the burden to carry on to grow and facilitate our youth program. Our youth are the future men and women of today, and we want to pour out and invest ourselves in them.
So watch this space and see what happens. Our town is in such dire need of a good Youth program, and needs young men and women to step up to build up our young people.
It has been an answer to prayer for me that finally I’ve got my act together and have made a more consorted effort to pursue a Permanent Resident status in Canada. The last couple of weeks prior I have been thinking, more than praying, about covenanting with my church for an indefinite period, to partner with them in the work and the ministry Jesus has called us to the town of which I’ve had the pleasure of church planting in. I remember my call to be involved in a church plant, and I remember the freshness and the newness of all the excitement. The greenness of it all has matured somewhat and I feel like its leaves have darkened to the sun. Still, I feel the pull to continue and persevere, to toil in the sun until harvest is ready.
My town is a strange place. My town is a a sea where the people are like driftwood getting tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. Where I work, and play, I do life amongst transients, neither settling or going anywhere.
My church family, whom I have the deepest affection, commitment and love, although more rooted near a stream, will occasionally get replanted somewhere else. The first time in a long time, it dawned on me that a foreign parasite in me has secreted its first toxic thought. It wanted me to emotionally detach from members of my church family whom I knew would be replanted somewhere else. There was a temptation to not want to spiritually, emotionally, nor lovingly commit or invest in the specific or certain lives of a few, and to have my heart broken when they leave or move on.
Honestly speaking, I am so fearful of having my heart broken, or am so fearful of rejection, often at times, I push people away. Relationships of the more romantic nature are worse for me, I suppose it’s because it involves so much intimacy and so much vulnerability. Yet I have to let myself be hurt by others.
I have a selfish desire to avoid suffering like this, to want to cut my losses now, than to later suffer a greater hurt. I wanted to protect the sanctum of the cosey and comfortable bubble of safe and dependable relationships.
Then, the familiar stench of it woke me up to tears like a smelling salt in my nostrils; I have already felt it before in the summer where I crashed and burned. All friendships, relationships that you embark and invest in have that potentiality for hurt. People fail each other all time, and there will never be a relationship between any two people in the world where one has not hurt or sinned against another.
When I think of all the lives that God so lovingly pours Himself out on, that in His meekness would come as a man to be vulnerable and to be hurt, in order that a few lives may be saved. Day and night, my God holds His hands out, He stoops down to a world of obstinate people, in his patience and mercy extends His love and grace to all who would accept. Day after day, maybe millions of relationships that God has extended His hand to are spat back at His face. Millions by the day are perishing in their sin, and God suffers the hurt of all who are too hardened to return back to Him. Yet, He does not relent. He pursues us fearlessly and fearless of hurt, he pursues us sacrificially and selflessly. He does so knowingly that many will reject Him and a chance at relationship will be lost for eternity, that some of whom He has knitted from womb must suffer the eternal and conscious torment of His wrath. His heart must break unlike any heartbreak I can imagine.
Who am I to encase His love and buttress all the stops that would otherwise pour in to the lives of others. Should I not imitate Him who is an unceasing fountain ready to water all? Who am I to cower within the self molly coddling walls I have forged?
Jesus, my God and Savior lead a life that not only risked a broken heart, but an earthly life that ended in complete vulnerability, suffering and heartbreak that my relationship might be reconciled back to my Heavenly Father and Creator.
It’s been a while since I’ve had the opportunity to hang out at a cafe and just spend some time journalling and in the Word. Worth it.
Anyway… as a part of my life journalling, my reading today included this passage.
34 “But watch yourselves lest your hearts be weighed down with dissipation and drunkenness and cares of this life, and that day come upon you suddenly like a trap. 35 For it will come upon all who dwell on the face of the whole earth. 36 But stay awake at all times, praying that you may have strength to escape all these things that are going to take place, and to stand before the Son of Man.” (ESV)
It made me aware of how the things in life can weigh my heart down and distract me from the calling the Lord has for me. That I shouldn’t be weighed down with the fear of hurt and broken ties. Rather that I should hold fast to the Lord, my Rock who does not waiver, who is fairthful and does not relent. That I should seek His kingdom first and his righteousness, and everything else that I don’t need to be freaking out about will be taken care of, (loose paraphrase).
Abandoned Burnt Out Building, Krakow
I am reminded about mountain biking, if you go too hard and too fast, if you lose control you will hit it hard and fast. Same goes for any vehicle for that matter…
I’m not sure when things have changed, or when things started going stale… I anticipated that a burn out will happen at some point in my life, I didn’t think it would be anywhere so soon, and I guess I anticipate that there will be more to come…
I knew I needed to rest more… with my nose to the grindstone I somehow didn’t take it seriously. A part of my felt like my youth could over come it. In the spirit of “considering others more important than yourself”, I did not look after myself, thinking pridefully in some way that I would take it for the team and come out more righteous because of it; living out a life that is loving and sacrificial.
I’ve dug myself in to a pit and have turned in to a big emotional time bomb. The slightest of conflicts of challenges will either tick me off and I will end up unable to hold things together and will ball my eyes out over the smallest inconsequential of things. Simple tasks seem to require twice the usual effort; the usual walk in the park feels like wading through sludge: I am rendered useless. My ability to handle conflict at work or in ministry has crumbled.
Conversations and being around other people seem more challenging than usual, and I find myself trying to wrestle with the the feeling of wanting to pull myself away from people, cutting myself away from stressful relationships, isolating myself. At the same time I am resentful over the fact that there are people who seem to have all the time in the world, but realize these thoughts are not my own, and are neither rational nor fair.
I am angry at myself over this feeling of failure, and do not want to live up to it or admit it. I feel like I’ve failed the people who depend on me. I am in an hyper emotional place where I feel tempted to drop out, step down, or quit altogether. I question how I ended up in the place or position I’m in, why I even desired to do or be where I am. The constant bombardment of accusations is crippling at times.
I don’t feel like eating, but over eat anyway. I’m tired but do not sleep or cannot get enough of it. I want to do anything but work.
God commanded us to Sabbath, to rest because it is good for us, and it is a gift. Matt Chandler, Pastor of Village Church, Texas, said once, something along the lines of:
Sabbath is that you get to be and not do, that you might understand that it’s not what we do, but what God has done, that makes us righteous in His sight….
Mark Driscoll, Pastor of Mars Hill Church, Seattle, also said something along the lines of:-
A Sabbath is a gift to those who spend 6 days of the week out pouring in ministry that they may get filled up on God, on the Sabbath.
I think I’m going to time myself out and pull myself out of responsibility for a short while.
Until I realise that God doesn’t need me to plant a church or save people, I will be continue to be burdened with service as being a chose as opposed to it being a privilege and a joy. I need to get away.
I need to get away and know that things can continue without me, that God doesn’t need me in anyway. I need to find myself in that place where it was a joy to pick up the burden of others, to serve them and love them and build the church up. I need to get back to the understanding and mindset that serving is a joy and privilege. But I feel that first I need be at a place where I can see that things can go on without me, because they can, and they will.
If you have the spiritual gift of encouragement, I now totally see and value why the Holy Spirit has given it to you. As soon as one gets discouraged, it’s so easy to compare your works with others, to see your failure and get overthrown with accusations and feeling of despair.
I’m pretty sure you can’t fight a battle and not expect to take a hit. I’m pretty sure I fell over a many times when I learnt to walk, stalled my car engine when I was learning to drive. I’m pretty sure my failure is all a part of my “success”. I can’t remember who said or wrote it, but they say
The Christian life is one of constant repentance.
Every day and moment I fail to walk steadfast and faithful to my Lord and Savior… Every moment I need to repent, constantly… or at least I’m supposed to… Everyday I fail, but I need not despair. Christians will need to always and constantly repent because we will continue to fail and fall short until the return of our King
I’m not sure how, or what steps I’ll take to “recover”. I’m planning a vacation sometime at the end of this month… just some time where I get to do nothing. I know I need to rest, refill, refresh. I know all the thoughts and temptations to leave ministry are simply temptations, and they can be overcome. I know this is a season, but hopefully just a season. As much as I can I will try and spend some time with God, pray in to some things and wrestle out some of the junk that’s inside me, spend some time in solitude and probably cry some things out.
I need to surrender all to Him again.
I will find my hope and joy in Christ again.
Hanging out on my lawn...
It had been a crazy July in BC, there was barely any rain, and about 2.5mm of precipitation over the whole of July. Trees are literally dying outside on our street.
Thunderstorms hit north BC on the last day of July, and it slowly moved down southward over Vancouver most-likely on to Seattle where it always rains. It was pretty awesome and was amazing to see the how much change there was in light when BC was clouded over.
Seeing the parched grass, I was reminded how much of a blessing rain is. I was so excited to see it rain. In the same and in the same thought last Sunday on the way to church, I think the Holy Spirit reminded me how dry and parched the town I’m living in is. It’s thirsty and it doesn’t even seem to realize it, it needs living water, it needs Jesus and doesn’t know it. The land it crying for a saviour but doesn’t know His name, and the land is turning to all other gods, trying to find salvation in things like rock climbing, biking, owning dogs, and recycling. Not that any of these things are bad or evil, but they make really poor gods and cannot redeem your soul.
This verse came to mind as we were driving down for church, it’s one of my favorites found in the book of Isaiah:
55:1 “Come, everyone who thirsts,
come to the waters;
and he who has no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without price.
2 Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,
and your labor for that which does not satisfy?
Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good,
and delight yourselves in rich food.
3 Incline your ear, and come to me;
hear, that your soul may live;
and I will make with you an everlasting covenant,
my steadfast, sure love for David. (ESV)
and goes on to say….
10 “For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return there but water the earth,
making it bring forth and sprout,
giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
11 so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. (ESV)
When God spoke in Genesis, things came in to being from ex nihilo (out of nothing). When God spoke through the prophets, whole nations repented from all kinds of evils. When God sent His Son – the Word made flesh – He died for all the sins of mankind that whoever may believe may gain eternal life. I love the unity in the Bible, how it declares Jesus to be the Word made flesh (John 1:1-5), that from Him Jesus is the source of Living Water (John 4:10), and that the Word is full of power, living and active, able to judge and test, and pierce the hardest of hearts(Hebrews 4:12).
Last Sunday around 85 people joined us for worship at our new church plant. It has been our biggest attendance so far and it was so awesome and encouraging to see, and I am so blessed to be involved with it all. I am so encouraged to see Jesus working in our town. It’s my prayer and the heart of my church to see people to come to know Jesus in this town, to know His love and the joy he brings. As the year anniversary of this church plant is approaching, I am stoked to see what Jesus will do in the new year, the people he will bring and save, the new birth and new life there is to look forward to.
Okay… so a correction…I’m not sure whether I can be classed as a missionary per say, but otherwise I fullfill all of the above; I am single, a female and a Christian.
I have a huge desire to want to help plant churches, an intense desire to want to go someday. There are ministries that I would someday love to be involved with. I have a heart for the abused, raped and victimized and one day love to invest some time to be trained to counsel, teach and disciple young women. One day I would love to be a part of a core team that would plant a church and I want to be able to dedicate the rest of my life serving Jesus through that church. I would one day love to work with man who has the same desire to plant a church and see lives transformed and people saved by Christ; and I would love to be married to that man.
The Problem and My StruggleUnfortunately, there’s only so much a single female can do, and some of this stuff I cannot do alone and I am not meant to do alone. This isn’t because I lack “self esteem” or believe the women are the lesser of the sexes. This isn’t because I am a needy dependent (although I do occasionally behave like one) or that I’m fearful of taking risks and doing things on my own.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I believe that females are incapable of planting and pastoring churches, but the problem is that I don’t think it’s biblically right nor good for a girls to be leading plants and it’s not right nor good for women to pastor churches. I am completely convicted that the place of headship and spiritual authority belongs to a man. And when we women rob men of that position we emasculate and pervert the order and roles of gender that God has ordered and divided.
My problem therefore is that I have this huge desire, this huge pull on my life, and yet I feel as if it all hinders on being married. It is on this feeling that I am tempted to believe that in order for me to fulfill my calling I must get married as soon as possible. Instead what is really happening is that I am elevating marriage above the importance of God and my calling, and place marriage in the position of functional savior where marriage is my saviour and the way to my calling and joy, as opposed to Jesus being the only way to God and true everlasting joy.
What I end up doing is with the absence of a man to lead and be a head for me, I am temped to attempt and accomplish things by myself by adopting what should be his role. There are times when I try or an tempted to be the man in my life.
And on top of this, frankly, I can feel super lonely doing what I’m doing and praying for what I’m praying for, on my own.
In the same way that Jesus only spent about 3 years in full-time ministry before he was put to death. In those three years he did not set sail to all of Asia and the Americas to spread preach the coming of the Kingdom. In those 3 years he did not heal everyone he met. He did not negotiate with the Father to be serving for an extra year or 40 years to save more people. He did not save everyone he came across. He did not have time for everyone. Jesus did not plant churches like the Apostle Paul. Jesus came on a mission to preach the coming of the Kingdom, to train and disciple the Twelve and to suffer and die for our sins on a Roman Cross. Jesus was completely intentional about His calling and he perfectly and wholly realized and completed his mission.
I know I have the potential to do anything and accomplish anything – well, most things – but it is not about how much you do, but accomplishing the task that I was called and designed to do. Observing Jesus, I realize the importance for intentionality and to fulfill my calling and not my potential.
My struggle therefore is to remain where I need to remain in the fulness of the role that the Lord has ordained for me to be in that enables a man to fulfill wholly the fulness of his role. That by being obedient to God’s call on me to be a woman, will enable space for a man to fulfill his role and calling, that we may compliment (not complete) each other, working in a unity that glorifies God and reflects the unity and fullness of the Godhead; Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
Truth is that I need to wait for God’s timing on this. There is a reason why I am kept single now, and in the mean time there is a lot of joy to be lived out being single believe it or not.
And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband.
(1 Corinthians 7:34 ESV)
I am comforted that God has His own intentionality on my singleness and femaleness. If my heart is not now wholly rooted in Jesus, my only true Savior, my marriage will be a disaster and my ministry will be a farce. All my stability, all my being, must be rooted in Christ and Christ alone, because he is the only Rock I can stand on. Marriage is not my rock…
So how do I move from here, I how do I fight the good fight, run the race and keep the faith from here? How do I keep my heart undivided for the Lord to pursue His will and His holiness? How do I desire without yearning?
A couple of points from the top of my head:-
Ground my Identity in Jesus
My identity is in Jesus, not from my calling, not from my ministry, my church, my marriage or potential spouse.
Prayerfully seek my fulfillment and satisfaction in Jesus
Realize that my joy does not come from other things but solely from God alone. My heart is an idol factory and quick to try and make other things my god. Reality is that I can only be satisfied and find true joy and fulness in Christ.
Keep my eyes and heart on eternity and not for this short stint on earth
Even marriage is only until death… but my covenant with Jesus is eternal. I should store my treasure there too then, and find my heart there also.
My future mission field?
So… Something I’m praying about now – as continued from a previous post – is the opportunity the whole opening of helping lead and disciple a small team of young ladies, future missionaries and church planters. Like I said, earlier, I kinda already know where my heart is at, but I really want to wait for a confirmation and affirmation that this is what the Lord wants me to do before verbally committing to anything. Plus I really do need to seek His will on this.
I’m also in a predicament about going back to the UK for a holiday or my cousin’s wedding later this year. At the moment, with this opening, I need to carefully and prayerfully consider how I am going to use and steward my finances in a way that honors God and a way that is respectful towards my family. I know with the money I manage to save this year will be needed to help support my living expenses for ministry.
Even with this potential opening has made me reconsider buying a new Mac… I decided to opt for buying a new adapter, as opposed to a new computer… A sacrifice not worthy of martyrdom, but more of a glimpse of where my heart is at.
If I decided not to take a two week vacation I may have about 10 days of holiday that I can take this year. Most likely, instead of using my holiday to go somewhere, at the moment I’m considering to spread that over 10 weeks, and if I include statutory holiday, that gives me 12 weeks where I work only 4 days a week, which will give me 1 day to dedicate it towards some church admin slash development slash work, and 1 day to Sabbath properly and be filled.
A couple of prayer requests though:
I know I have some nasty heart issues to work through right now, probably a lot of maturing, a lot more growing, a lot more disciplining needed. For me as least, I feel I have some areas in my life where I need to walk in better obedience, and I need to address some issues of bitterness and pride.
I look back at the last three years of my life, and I cannot believe what God has done in my life, how he has transformed me, how he saved me and changed me. I thank God for how he has molded me thus far, and all he will do in me. I’m astounded by the journey he has taken me on, his providence in my life, how he has ordained things in my life, and looking back I can see it was all Him; I can see he made a clear path for me. I cannot believe how perfect His timing was to bring me here to Canada, and even his timing to bring me to where I am in my walk with him.
I love this journey I am on with him, I only wished I behaved in a way that honors and reflects this more often.
Called in to the saving faith at the age of 21, born and raised in England, sent to live in BC, Canada. This is my journey so far as a young single female Christian and mostly what Jesus is doing in my life so far.
I hope to testify to the reality of Jesus in my life, and to see Him bring to completion what He has already started in me.
Here I hope to document and share my walk and like with much vulnerability, honesty and truth to reveal the glory of God in my life.
Keep up to date, connect, follow... blah!
Frozen trees
To-To-Tofino Trip Journal
Fearing Rejection: Why Jesus is the safest and best person to love
Christmas card shopping!! :)
Fig leaves and bad fruit: another reminder of why I need to hear the Gospel everyday
The Blessings of Being a Single Female Christian Missionary
Frankie and the Fish
Wear the Pants: A Secular Fight for Manhood
Frosted Fleece: How Jesus confirmed by calling
Build up
Cravings, Joys and Hurts: Walking in the Fullness of Christ
Struggles of Being a Single Female Christian Missionary
How Dare You: Cowardly men who abuse, neglect and dishonor women
Burn Out: I’ve hit it hard and fast
A Despondent Season: my confession of a burn out
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