Burnt out

Abandoned Burnt Out Building, Krakow
I am reminded about mountain biking, if you go too hard and too fast, if you lose control you will hit it hard and fast. Same goes for any vehicle for that matter…
I’m not sure when things have changed, or when things started going stale… I anticipated that a burn out will happen at some point in my life, I didn’t think it would be anywhere so soon, and I guess I anticipate that there will be more to come…
I knew I needed to rest more… with my nose to the grindstone I somehow didn’t take it seriously. A part of my felt like my youth could over come it. In the spirit of “considering others more important than yourself”, I did not look after myself, thinking pridefully in some way that I would take it for the team and come out more righteous because of it; living out a life that is loving and sacrificial.
I’ve dug myself in to a pit and have turned in to a big emotional time bomb. The slightest of conflicts of challenges will either tick me off and I will end up unable to hold things together and will ball my eyes out over the smallest inconsequential of things. Simple tasks seem to require twice the usual effort; the usual walk in the park feels like wading through sludge: I am rendered useless. My ability to handle conflict at work or in ministry has crumbled.
Conversations and being around other people seem more challenging than usual, and I find myself trying to wrestle with the the feeling of wanting to pull myself away from people, cutting myself away from stressful relationships, isolating myself. At the same time I am resentful over the fact that there are people who seem to have all the time in the world, but realize these thoughts are not my own, and are neither rational nor fair.
I am angry at myself over this feeling of failure, and do not want to live up to it or admit it. I feel like I’ve failed the people who depend on me. I am in an hyper emotional place where I feel tempted to drop out, step down, or quit altogether. I question how I ended up in the place or position I’m in, why I even desired to do or be where I am. The constant bombardment of accusations is crippling at times.
I don’t feel like eating, but over eat anyway. I’m tired but do not sleep or cannot get enough of it. I want to do anything but work.
It’s not who I am or what I do, but what God has done.
I realise that it’s not only important to Sabbath, but I think to take mini Sabbaticals, aka, vacations.
God commanded us to Sabbath, to rest because it is good for us, and it is a gift. Matt Chandler, Pastor of Village Church, Texas, said once, something along the lines of:
Sabbath is that you get to be and not do, that you might understand that it’s not what we do, but what God has done, that makes us righteous in His sight….
Mark Driscoll, Pastor of Mars Hill Church, Seattle, also said something along the lines of:-
A Sabbath is a gift to those who spend 6 days of the week out pouring in ministry that they may get filled up on God, on the Sabbath.
I think I’m going to time myself out and pull myself out of responsibility for a short while.
Until I realise that God doesn’t need me to plant a church or save people, I will be continue to be burdened with service as being a chose as opposed to it being a privilege and a joy. I need to get away.
I need to get away and know that things can continue without me, that God doesn’t need me in anyway. I need to find myself in that place where it was a joy to pick up the burden of others, to serve them and love them and build the church up. I need to get back to the understanding and mindset that serving is a joy and privilege. But I feel that first I need be at a place where I can see that things can go on without me, because they can, and they will.
The Gift of Encouragement
If you have the spiritual gift of encouragement, I now totally see and value why the Holy Spirit has given it to you. As soon as one gets discouraged, it’s so easy to compare your works with others, to see your failure and get overthrown with accusations and feeling of despair.
Failure is a part of the journey
I’m pretty sure you can’t fight a battle and not expect to take a hit. I’m pretty sure I fell over a many times when I learnt to walk, stalled my car engine when I was learning to drive. I’m pretty sure my failure is all a part of my “success”. I can’t remember who said or wrote it, but they say
The Christian life is one of constant repentance.
Every day and moment I fail to walk steadfast and faithful to my Lord and Savior… Every moment I need to repent, constantly… or at least I’m supposed to… Everyday I fail, but I need not despair. Christians will need to always and constantly repent because we will continue to fail and fall short until the return of our King
Moving forward….
I’m not sure how, or what steps I’ll take to “recover”. I’m planning a vacation sometime at the end of this month… just some time where I get to do nothing. I know I need to rest, refill, refresh. I know all the thoughts and temptations to leave ministry are simply temptations, and they can be overcome. I know this is a season, but hopefully just a season. As much as I can I will try and spend some time with God, pray in to some things and wrestle out some of the junk that’s inside me, spend some time in solitude and probably cry some things out.
I need to surrender all to Him again.
I will find my hope and joy in Christ again.