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4 Years Today Jesus Rid My Disgrace

By on August 31, 2011 in Musings, Testimony

Four years ago today God saved me in spite of the things I had done and failed to do 

Four years ago today Jesus made His love known to me in spite of all I had done, and in spite of all He knew I would do. Jesus was there when my name was written in the Book of Life. In spite of the disgrace I was he gave me grace;filthier than a sewer, He came down from His heavenly home to clean me up. He sent His Holy Spirit to dwell in my heart that my defiled body might be made in to temple. Dead in sin, he ressurected my soul and gave me new life, new desires, new passion. This is the God whom I serve, whom I worship.

Four years ago today God saved me in spite of the foreknowledge of how I would still disobey Him today. 

I am overwhelmed to think that God still chose to save me four years ago in spite of His foreknowledge of how I would disobey Him now and even more in the future. I long to understand and comprehend such love, that it would give me the strength to obey my Father and live in the fullness of His will.

My relationship with Him is perfect

Though I wrongly gauge my relationship with God by the works I do, or fail to do, the Father still sees me as if I were Jesus, pure, clean and righteous in His sight. This is the Gospel. It is God who makes me righteous, not what I do. It is not what I fail to do or what I do wrong that changes how God sees me. He sees me as His daughter and delights over me with loud singing, His wrath passes over me, and in love He disciplines me as any loving father discipline his child. He corrects me in love.

I am fiercely loved

My God is fiercely in love with me. He is jealous for me. In His great zeal He will go to lengths to show me His love. He cares more for my soul than my comfort. He will fight for me, He has already won. I am precious and beloved to Him, not for what I do, but because of what He has done for me. He has bought me twice: He created me and then redeemed me. My worth is all because of the blood that was shed for me that paid for my life.

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Carnal College, Cheerleaders and Porn Stars: living in nostalgia and pursuing God’s glory

By on January 28, 2011 in Stories, Testimony

Flashback a couple years

As I mentioned in previous posts, I was born and raised in England. It was only about a year ago that it really acknowledged the idea that I went to a Christian primary school (aka elementary school). And after that I attended a “Christian” secondary school; in fact, it was more of a all girls grammar school. My high school was a very academic forward school, you had to pass a test, the ‘Eleven Plus’ test, and the girls I studied with were all very bright and intelligent girls. Our school instilled to us that the natural path to take after your GCSE exams were to continue to A levels, which would enable you to apply for university. My school was very good at guidance and support on careers, and was very supportive all its young ladies in their application to universities across the UK.

Carnal College and Cheerleaders: my last day in High-School and a nice send off

Looking back now, my last day of high school was a bizaare one. All of us in the year dressed up in various different outfits from nerds, to ballerinas, commando (the army kind, not naked kind), and all sorts. I dressed up as an cheerleader. I wore my hair in pig tails, with red and white pom-poms, white trainers with red leg warmers, a short white skirt and a red tee-shirt that read “Carnal College: A school for morally corrupt girls”. That’s right… it was pretty crude.

Last day of high-school: summer 2004

The last day we sat in the assembly hall with some of our teachers and shared our last moments together with some novel prizes and reminiscent speeches. Our classmates handed out various certificates for giggles. We had certificates for things like “First to get Famous”, “First to marry a footballer”, “Most likely to end up in a West-End musical” that sort of semi-predictive award.

So of course, who else would be more qualified to receive the “Most likely to become a Porn Star” than the little 18 year old asian girl in with the red and white pom-poms and the tee-shirt reading “Carnal College”? I suppose at this time, it was more because I would openly talk about my carnality quite openly as opposed the the number of encounters I had. Needless to say, I must have developed some kind of reputation. I proudly got up and received my certificate that was awarded by my year and signed by my headmistress.

Porn Stars

There was a time in my life, and I would have been around the age of 16/17 years onward where the occupation of porn star didn’t really make me think twice. I used to love dressing up in all the cliche type outfits, we would go out dressed as french maids, bunnies, nurses, that kinda thing. Like I said before, sex equated to love and intimacy for me, and being a job that required that much “love and intimacy” seemed like a win win situation for me. Sex was very much like an icebreaker for me, a way to attract and keep boys. It pretty much “worked” for the first few years, so it seemed like the natural pattern to follow.

Fame and God’s Glory

This morning, in my daily Bible reading, I came across this verse, of which when I read it struck a chord within my being.

Acts 4:8-12

8 Then Peter, filled with the Holy Spirit, said to them, “Rulers of the people and elders, 9 if we are being examined today concerning a good deed done to a crippled man, by what means this man has been healed, 10 let it be known to all of you and to all the people of Israel that by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom you crucified, whom God raised from the dead—by him this man is standing before you well. 11 This Jesus is the stone that was rejected by you, the builders, which has become the cornerstone. 12 And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.” (ESV)

I suppose that for that moment I saw myself like that man that Peter was talking about, who was lame from birth, who was carried daily to the gate of the temple to beg for alms. The whole city must have know who he was and his disability. Similarly, there are a lot of people I once mingled with daily, who know what I was like in my teen years and early adulthood, but have no idea about what Jesus has done in my life and how He’s transformed it.

Looking back in retrospect, I can see God’s timing in my salvation. He called me back to Himself whilst I was on holiday just before I was to begin the first semester of my last year at university. Most of my friends had already graduated, I was just about to move in to a new apartment, and I had a fresh slate to start on. I was far removed from many of the temptations and habits of my former life and was given a white washed path to walk on.

And since that year, I have moved around so much and have been planted in so many places, that not many people know who or what I once was. I’ve often struggled to simply let it be, and more often than not wanted people to know the things I once did. Not to shock them but to be able to be like the beggar and declare on the top of my lungs “I once was lame, but now I walk!”

Leaning on Past Glories

I suppose I am still living on the past glory of wanting people to see the change I have been through, and now entering this more current season of my life have neglected to see as equal value in allowing people to see the perpetual transformation that Jesus is making in my life right now. When I look at the lives of some of my more mature friends, few are those who would give me their early life history. I see in the life they living now how much of a testimony to the transforming power of Christ. I see it in the way they so naturally do beautiful things, how Christ is infused in their lives like a sweet aroma. That in itself is of equal power to their story of salvation.

Acts 4:12

12 And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.” (ESV)

Pursing His Glory

None the less, although the more epic story of my salvation has more drama than my mellower walk right now, I realize that I lean more on my story of salvation to glorify God, than rightly placing my heart on continuing to give glory to him through letting His Spirit convict me and mold me through the reading of His word. I lack the zeal I once had of God’s glory. I hang on to the past glory and do little work towards His future glory. I am like one of those nostalgic grandmothers who will talk until the cows come home of all the things she once did, but have nothing to say about what she does now.

I forget the importance of finishing well. No matter whether I am one of the lost sheep or a part of the ninety nine, my life needs to consistently point back to Jesus in way where I can daily declare in my life no matter what that there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved

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Jesus kept me alive today in a car crash!

By on January 6, 2011 in Musings, Stories, Testimony

He kept me alive, but I suppose He does that every day.


I was on the highway to ski for a couple of hours this morning. Driving conditions were pretty good on the way up, we went in the passing lane where it got a little slushy, and swerved. The car skidded in and out in to the oncoming traffic lane until we skidding right in to a snowbank and in to a ditch.

We had to get towed out.

I’m so thankful that my cousin and I were alright. Not a single scratch. No one was injured. No oncoming traffic. No head on collision. No flipped car. Somehow, for some reason, God’s mighty, mighty, hand of protection was over us and He kept the roads clear.

I’m reminded that my life was spared that the Lord would bring to completion His work in me and that I might fulfill the work He has for me. My whole life is already ordained, and my name is written in His book of Life. Jesus is totally in control and I do not need to freak out when stuff like this happens. :)

He’s kept me alive for another day for His purpose. Yay!!

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Cheers to three years! Hope for more in year four!

By on September 1, 2010 in Testimony

Today marks my third year knowing and walking with God and marks the forth year that I am about to enter in to. It’s been a fun year, full of tears, full of growth and answered prayer. It pretty much closely marks a full year being in Canada and a full year being involved with a church plant where I am in BC!

I can’t believe how quickly this year has gone, and it will be interesting to see what God does with me this year…. I know it’s going to go quickly. I’m pretty mind blown about just where He’s taken me, the things He brought me through, the things He’s shown me. I’m thankful that He was in control of all of it, and that it’s really Him doing all the work in me, that He’s gonna keep me, and that He’s faithful to me.

When I look back and think of all the things I’ve asked Jesus for and all the things that have come to pass, all the prayers He’s answered, the perfection of His timing I am mind blown. I’m in even greater awe when I look back past to when I did not know Him, all my mistakes, encounters, experiences, struggles, screw ups, all the things I’ve done against Him and all the things that were done against me, I can see how He has redeemed them.

Joel 2:25

25 I will restore to you the years
that the swarming locust has eaten,
the hopper, the destroyer, and the cutter,
my great army, which I sent among you. (ESV)

There are some awful things that God allowed me to go through in my rebellion against Him that I see Him redeem. I am thankful that because of the paths He has allowed me to take, He is able to use me to shed light on the paths of other women who are treading similar paths that I taken.

Three years ago I was anxious that I was going crazy with thinking whether God was real, and looking back I am thankful that He has encouraged and proven my faith in so many ways and that He has never failed to be be faithful and constant. Whilst I was still His enemy, I’m so glad that He was merciful to my soul, quick to forgive me, gracious to accept me soul and show me love.

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Three Years Ago Today I Despised Jesus

By on August 30, 2010 in Musings, Testimony

I can’t believe what I was like three years back!! Three years back I had a totally different worldview and what life was.

I hated Jesus

Three Years ago today, I hated Jesus, despised His work on the Cross, and made myself a proud enemy of God, and yet God reached down to me, loved me and welcomed me in anyway, and changed my heart and transformed me in to a new person.

Three Years Ago I walked a very different path...

Christians were weird

Christianity was weird to me, alien. Their lifestyle was just out of this world to me. I thought science and Christianity were two separate things. I thought Christians were deluded and crazy at worst and nice but simple at best. I hated it when people would try to “convert” me, and believed it fine for them to believe whatever, so long as it those pesky Christians didn’t interfere with my conscience. I didn’t get them and tarred them all under the same brush.

Today: Some Christians are still weird to me, some of them freakish and extreme, or plain annoying or wrong. Of course you have “Christians” portrayed as bigots picketing funerals like Westborour Baptist Church, or TV evangelists with diamond cufflinks asking for money telling you Jesus will make you rich and your dreams come true, or all kinds of random freakish behavior. I agree…

If you want to know what Christians are about, don’t base your judgement on what you see on TV, after all, the media only features what’s entertaining. Go have coffee with one, and you’ll find out that they think of themselves no better than anyone else, the true Christians will at least. You’ll find that they believe that this world is messed up, and they themselves are messed up and wrecked with sin. The only difference is that in a true Christian, they will have a joy in them so deep that it will withstand the deepest of struggles, and it’s a joy only to be found in Jesus. A true Christian will bug you, pray for you and tell you about Jesus, because they have found a true joy and eternal life in Jesus and they want you to experience it and know Jesus for yourself. They tell you because they love you.

I was a “good” person

I recycled! I gave to charity! I took the trash out, helped with housework, cooked for my flatmates, did the dishes, pulled my weight around the house. I helped raise money for the poor. I would help my friends out when they were in need. I would buy them gifts that were way beyond what I could afford. I would buy a round of drinks for my mates. I was generous. Surely all these good things about me would cancel out the bad! I essentially thought I was a good person through relativity, and could always pull out the Hitler card when I was in doubt; no one is ever as bad as Hitler of course….

Today: Of course no one is as bad is Hitler. Any idiot in any situation could come out looking like an saint compared to Hitler. Truth is, there will always be someone worse than you.

The difference for me now is that I know that I am not a good person, and there’s nothing I can do to make myself good. I can only compare myself to a normal example of what humans should be, and that’s Jesus. He was God come down, fully God, fully human. He is my point of reference and He is my measuring stick. Compared to Jesus, I am an awful person.

The more I have come to know God, the more I realise the depths of my depravity. No action, no amount of recycling, charity, giving, generosity, chastity, can make me good or make up for my bad, because to be good you have to be perfect. Even if I were to live a perfect and sinless life from now on, there’s nothing I can do to cancel out my bad. The only hope I have is Jesus who clears my debt that I owe God. It is God that will transform me and make me right, nothing that I can do of myself.

…whilst believing that aborting a 12 week bunch of cells wasn’t ideal, but okay, punching a 12 week pregnant woman in the stomach and causing a miscarriage was murder.

I was a hypocrite

Things like abortion I thought wrong, and I would never approve of it, but always professed that if I ever had an unwanted or unplanned pregnancy, I wouldn’t hesitate to get one. I would never hesitate over the 72 hour pill. At the same time, whilst believing that aborting a 12 week bunch of cells wasn’t ideal, but okay, punching a 12 week pregnant woman in the stomach and causing a miscarriage was murder.

I believed everyone had the right to believe in whatever they believed and believed in tolerance of other people’s belief, whilst remaining intolerant of Christians who share of their faith and believe everyone else is wrong.

Today: I still am a hypocrite, but this time I realize it. Of course I do not always “practice what I preach”, but that’s also because I am a fallen and imperfect person wrecked my sin. I make mistakes like the rest of the world, but even so, what I “preach” is not based on relativity or convenience.

No longer can I drug my conscience by boiling things down to circumstance or justify my actions based on what’s “best” for me. My point of reference is Jesus, and my understanding of good and bad are no longer relative but objective and are based on the Truth as revealed by God through scripture – The Holy Bible.

I thought that if there was a God, I could do what I wanted to and He would have to accept me because He was Good.

Growing up I thought I knew what Christianity and Jesus was about. I believed and was put off by what I saw of Christianity in the media. I imagined and believed that if I died, it didn’t really matter if I didn’t know or have a relationship with God. I thought that if there was a god, he would be able to see how “good” I was over all, that it was a matter or weighing out my good and bad, and I thought certain that my good outweighed the bad and I would have no problem entering heaven if there was indeed such a place.
Today: You can’t reject a loving God, do what you want, break all the rules, then hate and blame Him when things go wrong, expect Him to fix it, continue to hate Him, not thank Him for His providence in your life, and then expect that when you die He is obliged to let you in to His own heavenly home because “overall” you were a “good” person.

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Frosted Fleece: How Jesus confirmed by calling

By on May 10, 2010 in Church Planting, Ministry, My Calling, Testimony

How the Lord affirmed my calling…

Judges 6:36-40

36 Then Gideon said to God, “If you will save Israel by my hand, as you have said, 37 behold, I am laying a fleece of wool on the threshing floor. If there is dew on the fleece alone, and it is dry on all the ground, then I shall know that you will save Israel by my hand, as you have said.” 38 And it was so. When he rose early next morning and squeezed the fleece, he wrung enough dew from the fleece to fill a bowl with water. 39 Then Gideon said to God, “Let not your anger burn against me; let me speak just once more. Please let me test just once more with the fleece. Please let it be dry on the fleece only, and on all the ground let there be dew.” 40 And God did so that night; and it was dry on the fleece only, and on all the ground there was dew. (ESV)

Ever since the summer of 2008 when I was privileged to volunteer full-time at my church office in England it assured me that this was something I want to give my life to. It was only until early this year (2010) I divulged my desire to be in full-time ministry. With the full encouragement of my wise and seasoned friend, she did voice her concern that if I desired to, I needed to tackle my outstanding debt I had from the student loan I had borrowed for my university education. It was there and then she gave me council to really start praying and tackling my debt head on, to start cutting back on my spending, to really steward my earnings to start paying back. She raised her concern that it would be a huge burden to have a debt and would prevent me from going in to full-time with such a debt.

It was there and then that she told me to lay out by debt to be like a fleece before God. If it is God’s will for me to be in full time ministry, my prayer was that he would affirm it by helping me to reduce my debt significantly by the end of this year. I prayed this early in February, 2010. If the Lord would do this, it would be a confirmation that this desire of mine is His desire and not just my own.

Through that month I realised His providence in my life. He had placed me in a position where nearly all of my living expenses for taken care of by the company I worked for. I thanked God that it was a time where I had little to worry about, where I had little financial conflict, and it was a time where I could really be built up, to be equipped, to learn and grow. In my heart I had planed that I would be in the town I’m living in for perhaps another 2 years, and much of me wanted to be ready to be mobilized by the end of that time. The Lord had put me in a season of rest again.

Throughout that period I remember listening to a series of sermons from the book of Luke that called me out and cut me pretty deep in certain areas. The Spirit gave me a burden to intentionally start praying seriously about my calling.

“Fulfill your calling, not your potential!”

I was convicted that I should stop trying to do everything but be intentional and have an intentional response, not a reaction. The Lord spoke to me in so many ways through His Word. He told me to stop reacting with a “Here I am”, but a “Speak Lord for your servant is listening”. I struggled to lay my desires down and hand them back over to him, but I desperately wanted to know whether my desire to be involved with church planting and full-time ministry was something I was influenced by, or something that he has genuinely burdened me with. I was desperate for His revelation and direction.

Leading up about two months later, again through scripture and through hearing the Word of God, I was convicted to fast and pray about making major decisions in my life. I felt that where I stood in my walk required me to make a decision, or rather, intentionally respond to the Lord’s calling on my life. That Saturday morning, as I begun my day with my journalling and time with the Lord, my day’s reading included Matthew’s witness to how Jesus went in to a time of fasting, praying and testing in the wilderness before going out in to full-time ministry. I remember feeling led to spend the rest of that day fasting and praying, concluding that I should break it around lunch time on Sunday.

Sunday morning, I woke up and begun my journaling and devotions reading the Beatitudes and the Sermon on the Mount. God’s timing is awesome! As my church continues through the book of Matthew, our Pastor expounded on the parable and teaching on Salt and Light. I remember the message brought me life to my tired body and spirit. I left the service invigorated and refreshed, filled with joy at what the Lord had spoken to me. The message of being called to be Salt and Light to the world seemed like an answer to prayer, a vague affirmation. It was a reminder that the Lord has called me to bring light to the dark places, to proclaim truth, to be a preserving element to a decaying world.

Monday morning I woke up and went mountain biking in the morning before work. I love how God speaks to me when I’m enjoying his creation. As I was riding through narrow and bumpy paths, he reminded me to not be short sighted, to look ahead as I was riding, because if I was too short sighted, I would not see the tight turns ahead. Looking to closely I would focus my eye too much on the obstacles – the rocks and roots – and would increase my likely hood to fall. If I looked ahead however, I would see a clear path and needn’t be so anxious about the minor obstacles because I have already seen a clear path ahead and I would be able to get through it.

I rode pretty badly that morning, and took a fall or two… He showed me how my failure to trust my bike and it’s ability to stop actually increased my rate of failure and would actually cause me to stop and stumble, or rather, crash… He even showed me that by going to slow, it would make me focus too much on minor obstacles, and therefore actually would then become a complete hinderance. Going fast allowed you to keep looking ahead and to make better progress, but going too hard also meant that it you bailed, the fall would be harder and more painful. It could even put you our for a couple of days, weeks or months.

After my bike ride, I caught my bus to work. Unexpectedly my cousin called as I pulled up in to town and let me know my Aunt was waiting to see me. I freaked out, thinking I was late for an appointment that I did not remember making.

We sat greeted and sat down in the lobby at word and quickly she raised the topic of by debt and that she had put some money away for me in my name in one of her unit trusts and suggested that I should cash it in to pay off my loan. I thanked her for her suggestion, but informed her that my loan was far too huge for that money to even dent it. When she quickly offered to pay off the loan for me, it blew my mind, after all the Lord has prompted me to pray about, I was overwhelmed that he answered my prayer in such a huge and immediate way.

The Lord knew I could not have saved up and pay off my loan in my own strength and will. The Lord ordained everything and prepared my heart to align myself to His will through the prompting of the Spirit to really pray in to this. He affirmed my desire and made a way for me to do it. It was as if he just gave me the thumbs up to say, “Yes! this is exactly what I want you do to and this is exactly what I have put in your heart and I’m going to do it for you and through you. You have my support, I will not let you go out unequiped and not-ready. Your life is ordained by me and I will bring it to pass”.

God is great, it’s all about him and it’s all about Jesus!

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My Grand Weaver (Part 2): My Beginnings of Church Planting

By on May 5, 2010 in Church Planting, Testimony

My first morning in BC

A Surprising Turn of Events

I landed in Canada in the beginning of September 2009, where my cousin very generously picked me up from the airport and drove me to this sleepy town. I unpacked a what was left in my suitcase and shortly went to bed on the sofa bed of my new home.

Slightly jet lagged I woke up the next morning to the most outstanding panoramic views of snow covered mountain tops draped in puffy white clouds. It was spectacular to see for the first time! I walked from the top of the hill where I lived to the bottom of the road (a 30 minute walk). It was a beautiful day. I remember walking seeing these mountains for the first time and was in awe at their size.

I eventually went down to the bike store and bought least expensive bike I saw and rode it about a mile or two to the downtown area. I checked my email on a public computer and was informed that they had a small group that night and I ended up cycling back up the hill to where I lived and later showed up for their small group.

It was really really cool how that day went by, it was really a God planned day. I was privileged to meet everyone’s acquaintance and asked them to pray that I’d be able to get my work visa to come back. I left feeling very excited about this church plant. That Sunday I went to their service, it was the second of their preview services, joined for the church planter’s family for lunch, and remember being told that I really had to trust in God’s will whether He desired me to be in Canada at this time. The prospect of not being able to come here actually brought tears to me, and I prayed over the next few days that He would let me come work here, Lord willing.

Prompted Prayer

I flew back out to Malaysia to sort out the work visa. It was Thursday morning in Malaysia around 11am – 12pm I was at the Canadian Embassy in Kuala Lumpur waiting for them to approve my visa. I must have been waiting between 30 – 60 mins.  Finally someone called me through and my initial documents where approved. I went back to the office and almost emailed immediately the church letting them know it went through okay. It was only in a moment then I received a reply that they had just been praying for me in their Community Groups! When I look at the time difference, the young church core members were praying for me as I waited. I couldn’t believe how awesome God’s timing is in everything!!

A Final Affirmation and Confirmation for a the Church Plant

Finally, on my last Sunday service in Kuala Lumpur, the Pastors there gave their sermon. Out of the blue they finalized and summed up the sermon on, I think:

Matthew 16:25

25 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. (ESV)

The same verse that my church The Rock’s name is based on. God is awesome

If there is one thing that God has shown me on more than one occasion is when God has ordained something that wills and desires to bring to pass, he will prompt His people through His Spirit to pray about something that our wills will be aligned with His, and He shows his glory and majesty and sovereignty, when He answers our prayers.

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My Grand Weaver (Part 1): How I ended up in a nowhere town of BC

By on April 30, 2010 in Church Planting, Testimony

How I ended up living in a town in the middle of nowhere.

A Desire Planted

Having found this church at my doorstep from my new flat, I felt this was the right place to be. I remember wanting to get involved, I had a huge desire to learn. I remember at that time, my church was recruiting for young adults who felt called in to church planting to sign up for their two programs, one of which was for those who felt called in to full time ministry or church planting. I remember thinking that it’s something that I would like to do, but I felt I wasn’t ready, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to plant a church.

Around about three months walking and learning more about God, I was given a book by a friend, possibly one of the first Christian books I read, Confessions of a Reformed Rev. by Mark Driscoll. I remember reading it, thinking, and having a burning in my heart that said, “that is what I want to do!” I wanted to be involved with church planting. I highly influenced by Driscoll, a lot of what I understand about God today was taught to me by him.

Later after I finished my degree, really by the grace of God! God really upped my grade point average, but not too high that I got proud. A lot of the work I produced in my final year was really influenced and inspired by theology on redemption and new life, which was tough to incarnate in to a postmodern environment and teaching. I finished university not knowing what to do. I started applying for things like auditing, because that’s all I knew to do. I wanted a corporate job, a career and a profession. I applied for many bluechip type companies, all which fell through. To be honest, I had little heart for any of these jobs. I began handing my CV out to all kinds of job agencies, but even then, nothing felt right.

Finally I humbled my self and asked for help. I contacted my aunt and asked her for some work experience with her company. She obliged with love and I quickly booked my flight to Malaysia September 2008. In the mean time I had about 2 months of free time to kill. I decided to volunteer my time to serving in my church office. Looking back, I really thank God for affirming my desire to work full time for a church back there and then. I was mostly handling admin stuff, did some tidying up, helped with the newsletters and communications, set up a database for them, and opened up the office for the builders…. nothing big, but I was fully immersed, encouraged and inspired by the privilege of working for the Lord through and in the church as my living.

An Obscure Stepping Stone

Finally my time to fly to Malaysia came, I planned to come back in around 3 months. I left my church office and handed them back their keys with an offer to help out the Pastor of Evangelism with their Alpha courses and an invitation to come back and work full time for them. I ended up staying in Malaysia longer than expected… and updated my church of my plans that December 2008.

I remember joking a lot with my colleges in Malaysia that I wanted to marry a pastor and plant a church somewhere a lot. I even joked, more specifically that I would go marry a canadian husband and that I hoped to meet him within a year. I’m not sure whether God will ever bring that to pass, but my heart to be in full time ministry and church planting was still there. Working in a corporate environment, was definitely fruitful, and I learnt a lot from it. It really gave me opportunities to get a good oversight of marketing, branding and starting something from scratch. I had the opportunity to be involved with marketing, branding and being involved with various property launches, including working on some branding projects for property in Canada.

My aunt hinted early on, that after settling in to the company after a couple of years, that she might send me over to Canada to work in their Vancouver based. I remember as early as February 2009 I started looking for Acts 29 church plants that I could be involved with. I looked at Vancouver churches and came across Westside, but decided it was already established. After much googling I found a church called Reality and asked God about it.

Looking at my background, I can see that God has wired me to be a jack of traits but a king of none. I’ve perceive myself to be something that can get a “pass” job out of anything… but a master of nothing… Nonetheless, after some months being there, as grateful as I was for the opportunities I was given there I began to hit a dead end. I was fully aware that I was not wired for climbing corporate ladders, my market value was nothing outside of the company I worked for because my education background was for something completely different. Even the work in graphic design was minimal compared to any fresh grad, I could not compare. I was keenly aware that I had hit a stale mate. I went through a period of prayer and fasting, asking the Lord for direction. I set in my heart that I could maybe work in Malaysia for another year or so, which would bring me up to September 2010, before I would leave.

My Weaver at Work

It was another day in the office, around perhaps April or May 2009 when one of my colleges asked my aunt whether it was possible for our team to go to help out in one of the property launches in Canada. It suddenly snowballed, and before I knew it our company was helping us get work visa for Canada. I could not believe God was bringing me to Canada so soon. Excited I started checking out churches again in Vancouver. Finding out that I would be working in a town 2 hours north of Vancouver I started looking there and figured maybe Church on the Mountain. Receiving news that I was going to be living in a dinky town in the middle of nowhere having to commute 45 minutes each way each day I was bummed. I started my whole google search for a church in the new place I would be living in..

The first couple of times I found some potentials of where I could worships and shortlisted two or three, one of which I was satisfied that it would be good to get involved with, and the other I could perhaps trust that would be theologically sound if all else failed. A couple of weeks went by and I was invited to go to a conference in Singapore. I remember in the hotel room I asked God to find me a decent church to worship in BC.

It was my last day of the conference that I began feeling ill, and frankly was a little scared that I had the H1N1 virus. I decided that I should probably sit out of the conference that day, and maybe sit in Starbucks with my laptop and journal, check facebook or something. I ordered a venti tea, and found a little spot to plug myself in to. During my facebook time I decided to google search some churches one more time, this time along side “Acts 29”. It was there and then my heart leapt. I came across a new site I hadn’t visited or seen before, it was a brand new church plant, of all places, and the planters and pastors there had blogged about going to Seattle for a Acts 29 church planting conference. My heart and spirit leapt!! I was very excited about this plant!

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Rebirth: How Jesus Transformed my Life

By on April 25, 2010 in Testimony

I felt really stupid, as if I was talking to a figure of my imagination. I spoke aloud at times, and sometimes simply in my thoughts,

“God if you are real show yourself to me”.

I can’t remember all the specifics of what I said and thought in that moment. All I remember is that I spoke to a God who I have not spoken to in anyway since I was a child…

Despair and hopelessness are the only words I can think of; utter despair and desperation. I did not know even where to begin or how to figure out the mess I was in. Frankly, my grades at university were a bare pass, when I knew I could have the ability to be first class, I was in a huge financial debt from my spending habits, I had a lot of grades to make up for. I had anxiety from how I could possibly survive after university, let alone fulfill the ambition of a career that I had with low grades, no job experience, and the possibility of an ex-boyfriend sabotaging me. I had a fear that some past relationships would come and find me again. I was anxious about ever being worthy enough for any relationship. I was filled with panic, regret, hopelessness, anxiety, fear. I did not know how to begin to dig myself out. I couldn’t.

In one big blur, not even with words blurted out in some manner all of those burden to at the time felt like a figure of my imagination. Consumed with a regret for things I did I asked for forgiveness and help.

Rebirth

I saw no bright lights, and heard no thunderous voice, but I felt a gentle and quiet change about me. The anxiety that crippled my mind had seemed to departed me, and I sensed in what I can only describe to be in my soul, a series of promises that had been placed. I felt almost immediately and knew that the depression I used to suffer from would never return; the second, the man and men who have harmed me would never harm me again; and things that I have been inflicted with would be healed and would never return.

Those promises still remain true even after the two and a half years on that I’m writing this.

A week later, I realised that the thoughts and fantasies I had, the lusts and desires I used to perpetually think about nightly had left me. It wasn’t that I tried to stop, but I just didn’t…. and these were habits that I had for years. Even my need to shop and spend all the money I had to spend, the desire to buy clothing had left me, these were desires that I had never been able to control, and I wasn’t even conscious that I had stopped it.

Instead somehow I had this burning desire to read the bible, not only to read it but to study it. I had in my mind a book full of notes and underlinings, highlighted and coloured in. I was thirsty for it.

Ezekiel 11:19

19 And I will give them one heart, and a new spirit I will put within them. I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh, (ESV)

A couple of days later after I prayed, my aunt asked me to her office to show me a church she had found for me. It was located just next to the train station, the same station that the new flat I was due to move in to in a couple of weeks was located. I could not believe the coincidence, which was really not a coincidence at all. The church service was literally less that a 2 minute walk from where I was going to live. Later I would find out that the Community Group, or Mission Group, as my church would call it, met about 30 seconds away in the heart of the city. God really had it all planned.

I returned back home to the UK, about less than a month, having moved to the new flat with my friend, a man who I had been involved with contacted me. He was wealthy, very good looking, well built, nearly identical to Christian Troy (the character and surgeon from the Nip/Tuck TV series). We met up for drinks, and I invited him back to my new flat. I didn’t think much of it, I kinda knew I didn’t want to sleep with him, but somehow I let things get physical and intimate. I remember deliberating, wondering whether I should just save myself the embarrassment and go through with it, I had already before, and it would not add to my numbers if I did. Something inside me didn’t want to thought. A part of me had no desire to, and frankly, I really wasn’t getting any physical pleasure from it. It was to the point where I was half undressed and where I would normally think to myself, I’m basically half way there and might as well get it over and done with that I stopped and told him, I didn’t want to go any further, that I was a Christian now.

It was weird, we dressed and he left with some parting words. The next day I menstruated. I kinda felt it was God, not so much as testing me but to make a point that He had changed something in me. Had I been menstruating that day, I would have not been tempted in anyway to meet up with him. I felt that God held it off that I would open that door. He showed me that His Spirit held me now, that it was him that took away that desire and gave me the power to say no to something I could not say no to before. He showed me there and then that I was a changed person, that I was reborn, and my salvation was real.

1 Corinthians 10:13

13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. (ESV)

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Stone to Flesh: How Jesus Changed my Heart

By on April 20, 2010 in Testimony

What Made Me Change?

I didn’t do anything and I was seeking nothing. Nothing changed in spite of the traumas I had been through. Even in my desperation I did not even attempt to seek him.

Starting to think about the future and a career

Having now returned back to England, and now being a year behind all my friends, I watched and observed as they were all entering their final exams and started looking for jobs and employment. It stirred in me that I needed to start thinking about a carreer and future, and that summer I tried to follow suit, make up for lost time and start applying for some job experience or internships. At that time I had a job interview for the Apple Store. For anyone who knew me at that time, you would know that I would have been perfect for that role. I was also doing a lot of temporary work… It was mind numbing stuff.

I remember for some reason didn’t get the Apple job, and I was coming back from a job interview in a town 45 mins away from the city. I was late for coming back to work and I had a phone call from my temping agency asking me whether I was going to come back to work. I was placed in a position where I had to choose between giving up my job, and risking not getting in to the internship programme I applied to, or to continue my current job and risk not being able to work my internship programme had I been successful. I took a risk and cancelled my job. Thankfully from the 25 candidate selection, I was one of the 3 to be interviewed and I was later notified that day that I was successful in the interview and I got the internship!

I worked hard for those 8 weeks, and eventually won the local/regional finals as being the most entrepreneurial Shell Step intern.

I became somehow a lot more ambitious that year. Somehow the whole prospect about thinking about a career, my future, how I was going to survive after university made me freak out! I needed a solic resume, decent grades, a good reputation. The things that had happened in the past and things I was failing to do would completely destroy that, and sabotage my future. I had little hope and a lot of fear.

Seeing a different way of living

It was the the end of the summer of 2007, having spent the summer squatting with, at the time, my best friend’s boyfriend’s house, my Aunt in Malaysia paid for my air ticket that I might be able to be reunited with her as she celebrated her renewal of marriage vows with my uncle. Incidentally, my Aunt has won a number of awards including being one of the most entrepreneurial women in her country. I wanted to learn from her, she herself owned her own company, and even opened an opportunity to gain work experience from her after I finished university.

My aunt and uncle operated as a family unit, and my cousin never slept around or smoked drugs. With much frustration in my heart, I was almost angered and shocked at the completely different standard of living that I witnessed in my aunt’s family. Looking at her life, a thought crept in to me… “If I had lived a life where I hadn’t slept around, binge drink, party, would my life be easier right now? Would it look better on my resume? I probably would be doing a lot better at university, and I wouldn’t have the fear of my past catching up with me. I questioned whether the chastity that is prescribed by the Bible was really in fact just an outdated law, or whether it really had some truth to it. It started with that and made me think about all the others laws and moral standards given in the Bible.

Something stirred in me, and it led me to seriously re-evaluate my future, my past, and my sense of morality. I began to question what was right and wrong again, and I was angry at the thought that I could be wrong. Memories or all I had learnt from Sunday School as a child, every law, seemed to waft in to my mind. I was very troubled at the idea of being wrong.

A turn of events and a piercing word

One morning, whilst I was still in Malaysia, my mother woke up, had her breakfast and kept collapsing. Concerned and emotional, none of the doctors knew what was wrong. Eventually we were advised and taken to the office of my Aunt’s company, and my mother kept passing out on the couch. I sat in the room with my mum looking after her, and my Aunt, being my Aunt, gave me a stack of Christian literature to read as I was waiting. Again, slightly irritated and aware that she was trying to “convert” me again, I read the literature to kill time.

Somehow my heart was softened though, the words that used to anger me seemed to stir and interest and curiosity. I felt as if I could absorb it without discomfort.

Now being aware that my mother simple took sleeping tablets instead of her blood pressure tablets, I felt it was okay to leave her. I came to say goodbye to my Aunt, and somehow found myself in tears exclaiming my frustration at my mother over cultural differences. My Aunt made a comment of chastity and I burst in tears again arguing that it’s too late for me. Fear had grabbed me, fear of my abuser, fear of the images he has of me, fear that others would find out about my past.

My Aunt, paused momentarily. It was then she spoke to me the most sobering of truths. In the midst of all the flashbacks in my mind she spoke,

“God still loves me”.

Those words pierced the very core of me, I broke down in tears. How could any God, let alone any man, love me after all I had done?!

It was then she prayed for me and with me.

I went back to her home, back to my room I was staying in and by the dressing table I sat down and I began to speak to God for the first time in a very long time.

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