Anyway, I bumped in to him again earlier this week, and it’s been so cool to see him. He’s completely transformed from the first time I’ve met him. When I first met him, he a mess; intoxicated, and flipping in and out of two different personalities… and today I see a physically transformed person.

I was coming out of Starbucks, (with my Venti Extra Hot Soy Caramel Macchiato) when I saw Frank. I haven’t sat down to chat with him for ages, so it must have been the first time I spoke to him for a couple of months. He was pretty glad to see me, and he was totally diffent! Frankie was so much more solid and grounded when I spoke to him, not so anxious and still honest about his feelings.  He was telling me about how he got his disability now, and has a home and new teeth! :)

Frankie was reflecting with my the days since he first met me. He was telling me about how convicted he was the there really was a God, how he came from believing in anything to really believing that God is for real! He was telling me about the number of people that he met over the course of that time. all the Christians that ministered to him and came around him who helped solidify his faith. He was super thankful for all the people that had sat with him to talk to him and pray with him and speak truth to him.

I love how God pursues His lost!

Anyway, I’m really stoked about how God uses His body: the church. God pursued Frank by sending seemingly “random” people, who don’t necessarily know one another to minister to this one guy.. So awesome how God pursues people through orchestrating His people to meet with and minister to His one lost sheep!

All this freakish BC weather is making my commute to work rather horrid, but does make my mornings rather beautiful. Last night we had freezing rain, and made all the trees look beautiful!

Back last September, my cousin and I went camping for the first time with some friends! First vacation in too long. Jesus was awesome to show us some cool stuff, and he also saved all of us from near death. No exaggeration – the lot of us could have easily died with severe food poisoning on Day 4.

Day 1 Saturday

Tim Horton's at 4:45am

Woke up at 4am for the ferry to Nanaimo, but not without a quick stop to Timmy Ho’s. Got an early ferry over to the island, was pretty rainy on the way there. Some of us caught a couple of winks on the way over. The gluten free bakery was closed for breakfast when we arrived and the other gluten free place the town over wasn’t open yet either.

We  decided to drive to Port Alberni and try our luck there. It was a beautiful drive.

Driving through Cathedral Grove - monumental cedars blowing my mind!!

Drive to Port Alberni

We ended up finding a fancy greasy spoon type breakfast and checked out their public market.

Port Alberni

Honda CRVs have horribly over cautious owners. We discovered this after trailing behind them through windy roads at a turtle’s pace. In spite of this, the drive was beautiful. We drove through old cedar forests and past wide open crystal lakes. Gorgeous, gorgeous creation.

Jess enjoying some fresh island air

Me taking a pic of Jess enjoying some fresh island air

Heading up towards that Pacific Rim

Arrived in Tofino and checked out the market. Tofino had some quirky little corners and fun little signs. Here are some of my favourites.

Deaf Child Playing

All from one house

More signboards from Tofino

I love it when a plan comes together

Checked in and set up camp. We were so thankful that God managed to keep it pretty nice and dry throughout, so we didn’t have to set up in the rain. Got out my brand shiny new tent, pitched it with an ocean view.

Our first camp set up, ever!!

Checked out the beach. Our neighbors next to us had just cooked up some fresh mussels they harvested off the rocks on our beach, so we thought it would be neat to have hunt for some ourselves for dinner.

Mussel hunting on some rocks near our beach

The tide was way too hide, but we had fun beach combing on some super soft sandy beachiness. Instead, for supper we went in to town, bought chicken and had dinner and campfire back at camp.

First Camp dinner: grilled chicken rice!

Had a camp fire that only took about 2 hours to get started. We probably had the soggiest bunch of logs to use. Threw some salt in there and had a super multi colorful campfire which we eventually abandoned due to rain.

Campfire Day 1

Day 2 Sunday

My first camp breakfast ever!!

Woke up and made pancakes with grapefruit. Checked out Tofino town.

Cox Beach

Checked out Cox beach and stayed there until the tide came in. Saw big waves. Had fried rice for lunch. Campfire and dogs for dinner.

Day 3 Monday

The most glorious morning, little did we know this was the last blue sky morning for the rest of the trip.

Quick breakfast with toast. Woke up to the most glorious morning – little did we know that it would be our only glorious morning.

We prayed here and asked Jesus to show us some cool stuff!

Went on the hot springs tour. Prayed and asked Jesus that we might see some whales. Set off on a boat for about 2 hours. Views were glorious!

Views from the boat

We had fun!

On the boat

My quick cameo

On the way there, God blessed us families of sea otters and seals. No whales sadly, but we still prayed. I also saw this little yellow guy as we landed on the island.

Island Slug

Walked through a super old rainforest where grew cedars who were probably just saplings when Jesus walked the earth. The board walk Was cool. Loads of the boards were engraved by a whole bunch of different tribes, nations, groups, people.

Coastal Rainforest - just saplings when Jesus walked the earth!

Boardwalk

Just by the Hot Springs

Hot Springs smelt like sulphur at first. Was cool. Really close to the ocean. We sat in a cleft where the hot springs ran our from under us and cool ocean waves washed over us until we got nailed by a large wave. Jess got impaled on to a bunch of barnacles, she got a rad flesh wound. :)

Hanging out by some rocks

Group photo time

Hit the big ocean on the way back, got to see seal lions!! Whoa!! A whole bunch on them on a small rocky island. Waves were huge on the way back, so awesome. Finally! God showed us some whales!! We saw an orca, two two humpbacks and grey whale on the way back.

Two Humpbacks and a Grey Whale :)

Huge sea swells on open ocean. Ate out at Sobo. Oysters, wild salmon and cloudless chocolate cake. Delicious!! Went back to camp and played Apples to Apples.

True story: This was the toughest hand of Apples to Apples - hilarious!

Day 4 Tuesday

Scrambled eggs, sausage, banana and apples for breakfast. Jess and I soon went beach combing. Was low tide and there were a ton of mussels. Ran back to camp with a knife and a giant pot and harvested mussels a whole bunch of them. We wanted to cook them all fancy, so we sent my cousin to get some wine, lemons, and garlic. FAIL! We had a flat battery, so biked he in to town while cleaning them up! Us girls sat around our picnic table hacking barnacles off our lunch and cleaned them up pretty well. We destroyed our knives!

Little did we know that these were deadly Mussels

Finally my cousin got back, we cooked them, they smelt divine!!

Smelt Delish

So before we ate them, our friend called randomly! We told him about lunch, and then gave us a heads up about red tide. Red tide, after a couple of phone calls and googleling, we discovered that all the mussels and shellfish in the area were affected by red tide, and we would have got super sick, even to the point of death if we ate them. Jesus totally had our backs on that one!! THANK YOU JESUS!! We discarded mussels, went in to town and got some greasyfish and chips and ice cream.

Hi little fella!

Beach combed in the afternoon. Found a starfish. Had potatoes and tuna for dinner. Ran out of propane. Could not find our spare bottle. We also ate weird camp  pie. Rain

Day 5 Wednesday

Tofino Rain

Rain. Rain. Rain.

Made scrambled eggs with cheese. Went and dug some trenches around the tent.

Went for our surf lesson. Surf lesson cancelled.  Epic rainfall warning. Had tea. Went back to camp. Went beach combing and found some sand dollars. Went back to camp. Rain. Dug more trenches. Read. Got a text from our logger friend from our home town. Say what?!

Matty P, our logger friend from Squamish came and visit us. Sat in his truck and listened to his stories. Checked on our trenches and went back to camp. Rain. Thought about fasting for the night. Went to the dockside pub for wings. Went to Sobo for dessert. Bed.

Day 6 Thursday

Rain.
Made better pancakes. Cleaned up. Went combing and found some sand dollars. bits of them. Then went to Tofino tea shop. Still closed.
Went to TuffBeans and had a chai latte.

Hmmm... tea lattes

Went to surfsisters and got in to wetsuits and boots.

Surf Sisters

Went to south chesterman beach, managed to stand up and catch some whitewash waves. Saw Matty P again. Went to the co-op and made steaks and potatoes back at camp. In bed by 6.30pm. Feels good.

Day 7 Friday

Pancakes for breakfast. Super early start. Woke up at around 6.30am. Went to get wetsuits an boards first thing. Caught some white wash waves.

Lunch time we ate macaroni with tinned tuna and sweetcorn in the rain with our make shift long board table. Felt like true surf bums.

Classy cold surf bum lunch in wetsuits in the rain... that's how we roll.

Saw Matty P again. Went for our 1.30pm surf lesson and this time could catch and ride 80% of waves. Surfed until 5pm ish and decided to skip dinner due to rain. All I wanna be is dry again. Jess did our laundry. She’s an angel.

Day 8 Saturday

Woke up. The first night that I had a reasonably good sleep. Rain. Made a group decision to skip breakfast. We eventually packed down our camp. Hit the road around 9.30am. Everyone is looking forward to ring home. Driving to qualicum beach for breakfast.
Saw my first bit of blue sky in days exciting.

Journey home - back to blue skies and dryness.

The gluten free place in Qualicum beach was closed down, so we drove to Nanaimo and had lunch at a gluten free cafe near the ferry. The blue jewel cafe. It was super new age and in need of Jesus. Unfortunately due to close at the end of tr month.  Got on the ferry an went home.

Dry :)

Fears of rejection

I think it’s fair to say that everyone inherently wants to be loved by someone in some way; or at least I recognise that I’m one of those people. And I think, like anyone would, I’ve love to do things in love for other people.

Unfortunately, again like everyone else, I’ve been hurt a lot it my pursuits of loving people, whether friends, men or family, I have been burnt in some way. And there are many people, especially women, who have been from being rejected and neglected to full out abandonment, abuse and assault.

Watching TV

I praying last night asking Jesus why I have any anxiety or fears of being hurt. Was it a fear of pain and persecution? Was comfort an idol to me? As I pondered over a picture of why a husband and father would return home from work after a long day’s work would rather be left alone to zone out on the TV than be hassled by a wife’s offer of a back rub and warm food on the table. How a father that might even kick off and yell at his kids desire to want to spend some after school time with their dad. Maybe even a boyfriend who doesn’t want to commit, or would lie and cheat behind your back. I prayed again this morning and Jesus was sweet to respond and give me an answer.

Jesus is not like your earthly dad, boyfriend or husband

Jesus showed me himself. Jesus would never reject an act of love towards Him, and He would never respond to us like the fathers, husbands and boyfriends of this world. Jesus reminded me of Himself through this story:-

Mark 14:3-9

3 And while he was at Bethany in the house of Simon the leper, as he was reclining at table, a woman came with an alabaster flask of ointment of pure nard, very costly, and she broke the flask and poured it over his head. 4 There were some who said to themselves indignantly, “Why was the ointment wasted like that? 5 For this ointment could have been sold for more than three hundred denarii and given to the poor.” And they scolded her. 6 But Jesus said, “Leave her alone. Why do you trouble her? She has done a beautiful thing to me. 7 For you always have the poor with you, and whenever you want, you can do good for them. But you will not always have me. 8 She has done what she could; she has anointed my body beforehand for burial. 9 And truly, I say to you, wherever the gospel is proclaimed in the whole world, what she has done will be told in memory of her.” (ESV)

Jesus was probably finishing off super or something when a woman comes to him just wanting to fulfill an act of love towards Him. She spends her year’s wage on an expensive ointment and lavishes it upon Jesus’ head.

Jesus wasn’t embarrassed, He doesn’t reject it. He doesn’t say to her, “Thanks, this was a really nice thought, can we save it for later?” Jesus doesn’t humiliate her and kick off saying, “Can’t you see I’m busy?! I’m gonna get crucified in two days!!” He doesn’t laugh at her, or shrug her off. He gives her that time, and honor.

And when Jesus’ disciples and other men give her a hard time about it, Jesus defends her and Jesus honors her act of love towards Him.

Jesus will never reject your love for Him

Jesus will never reject your love for Him. He will always make time for you, will honor your love for him, and even defend and avenge your love for Him. Jesus will never shrug you off, kick off or yell. Jesus will not betray you in acts of abuse, neglect, or abandonment. I can safely love Jesus and not get hurt by Him.

Jesus is the only person you can love and not be rejected, and for that He deserves all my heart, mind, body and soul.

I write this in the early hours of the morning on New Years Day. Unable to participate in the celebrations of the New Year, I sit at this desk like a watchman of the night, making sure there’s no trouble and unruly behavior.

2011 has been a humbling and burdensome year for me.I’ve carried a lot guilt and shame about how I’m performing: how much and well I’m serving, how fruitful I am, how much time I’m in the word, and how much time I’m in prayer. In short, I put a lot of the focus of my own works and deeds, and had forgotten about the good news that brought me to my point of justification and salvation in Christ.

God did not bring me to salvation and then abandon me to figure things out on my own. My God did not forgive me of my past evils and set me free from the slavery of sin and then to simply allow me to continue a life burdened by guilt being unable to perform to an unattainable level of perfection. My God is a relational God who is in  constant pursuit of me, who is constantly working in me and through me by the power of His Holy Spirit. And ultimately, the more and more that I have been able to meditate and rest in the knowledge and understanding of God’s work, the more free and overwhelmed with joy I become.

By a lot of grace driven effort, being able to remind myself of the Gospel and work of Jesus, I have been made new at every moment I am reminded. Every reminder has served as an opportunity to turn back to Jesus. And every time I turn back to Him, no face of disapointment, but a face of love and joy. Jesus has been pusuing and romancing my heart, and I have been falling more and more in love with him. He has been restoring on to me the joy of my salvation, creating a new spirit in me, and this overwhelming joy has been my strength. There have been some sweet days these past few weeks where I get to simply rest and smile as I feel the arms of my Creator embrace me.

Anyway – this post is to remind me that for every moment of guilt or shame, every moment of disbelief or sin, every moment of anxiety or fear, disatisfaction or frustration are all opportunities for me to remind myself of the Gospel of Christ and to turn back to Jesus. And by God’s grace, because of the atoning and finished work of the cross, there is no face of dissapointment in Jesus when He looks at me, only a look of love, and in that I rejoice.

Ha, this is detox rhyming
Only pride, we love is the pride full of lions
They can't stop His shine, He so amazing
The Son rose for some daylight savings ~ Lecrae

Last Sunday, a Sunday amongst many where our team rocked, I managed to sneak a recording of our team as they play our exit song: God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen (Instrumental)

Bad fruits: great indicators that something’s going on.

The last couple of days at work, I’ve been having these awful adult temper tantrums, I’ve been frustrated with all the awkward changes, mistakes that have been made, things that have been overlooked and problems to fix. I’ve been super tired when I get home, most nights I’ve only wanted to sleep and detach myself and self medicate. Any free time I got I just wanted to spend it on my own. Again, so much of what I was doing again was motivated by the pressure of responsibility, not grace driven effort and love. I feel like I’ve been doing this again for a while. The Holy Spirit convicted me of it, and yet somehow in my stubborness all I wanted to do stew in and glory in my anger. And it was only until my fruits of anger came out, it kinda shocked and repulsed me

Fig leaves: things we try to cover ourselves with

Fruit?

Anger: In my anger, I was seduced to the feeling of being righteous. Somehow I felt more righteous by being angry because someone is pointed to someone else being wrong and myself being right.

Control: Somehow, in the midst of feeling like I was losing control of situations, I wanted to regain control, and would try to do so in my own strength. I would have verbal outbursts or frustration, and instead of talking I would refuse any prompting of self control and speak sterner, louder and harsher.

Good works: And yet at night I wrestled with a silent shame that I was barely conscious of, a kind of guilt and shame that fogged my mind and vision. The more shame and guilt I felt at my failings the more I desired to appear that I’m actually okay. I wanted the appearance of  godliness by doing my good works to compensate., and yet could not find anything sufficient enough to cover it.

I tried hiding my mistakes with anger and frustration, I tried to hide my loss of control with being more controlling or intimidating, and I tried hiding my shame with works of righteousness. And yet these are all fig leaves, things I try to do in my own strength to hide my feeling of lack, shame, guilt and fear.

I forgot the Gospel.

This is why I became so tired, I was tired of trying to appear righteous. Tired of keeping up appearances. Tired of trying and straining and doing. I wanted the approval of man, and not from God. I had forgotten the Gospel.

Like Adam and Eve, they tried to cover their shame and nakedness with fig leaves. Yet God in his love and mercy sent them out of the garden, that they might not  live eternally in their sin by eating from the tree of life, and clothed them with animal skins to cover their nakedness. Yes, God had to put to death an animal in order for Him to cover their nakedness and shame.

The Gospel is that Jesus is my righteousness, He takes on my sin and puts on His righteousness on me. I don’t have to clothe myself in good works and deeds to be righteous, God clothes me. I don’t need to be in control, God is in control.

It seems so stupid of me to forget such elementary principals, but somehow I had forgotten to live it.

What Jesus did next…

By God’s grace, and the power of the Spirit, I confessed it all to Jesus, I asked Jesus for His forgiveness. Jesus forgave me. He has taken away my shame and guilt, and I now again can I rest. I can stop fighting and straining and struggling. Jesus has already done all the work for me on the cross. My sins died there. He’s freed me again, given life to me again today.

God looks at me with a smile upon His face, not of disappointment, not of condemnation. He is pleased with me because of what Jesus has done for me

Yet I know tomorrow I will need to return to Him, and still He will forgive me again and free me again. Does this mean I should carry on sinning that God’s grace may abound? By no means.

The unbelievable joy Jesus gives me in His forgives me strengthens me to choose Him, to choose Jesus and life, over the fleeting pleasures of sin that lead to death.

I’m think I’m going to try and writing down the Gospel in my life journalling and see how that works out. :)

If you want – you can also watch the original video here

It’s been a while since I’ve really reflected on being a single Christian. God has really done a great work in my heart these last past months and I am SO thankful for it. By His grace, somehow, He’s removed that inner noise in me that would persistently nag me; the desire to be married. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be someday, if God has that for me, it’s just more on the back-burner of my mind. :)

Reasons why you may be struggling

Glaring big idols

A couple of possible reasons why you may be struggling with accepting the gifts of singleness. I think there’s one reason: idolatry. You have made something, other than God, your god.

You’ve put your hope and trust that marriage will solve your problems, fulfill your calling, make ministry easier, cure your loneliness, fill your need to affection, attention or approval, affirm your attractiveness, beauty, or acceptance. Maybe you put your identity in to being married.

You believe that a godly spouse would make you closer to God: Perhaps you rightly desire a godly spouse for the wrong reasons. You believe that having a godly spouse that loves God will make you love God more. It’s tricky, because here there are good desires mixed with bad reasons. Your future spouse is not your stepping stone toward intimacy with God. Jesus is the “stepping stone”; Jesus is the narrow and only door to God the Father.

John 14:6

6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. (ESV)

You believe your call can only be fulfilled through marriage: Perhaps you feel called to have a family, plant a church, go on overseas mission, homeschool, adopt a ton of kids, or whatever, and you believe that God can only do this, or you can only fulfill your call if you are married. Whatever the status quo is, God is sovereign and beyond. God will not be stumped to achieve what he desires to bring to completion in you just because you’re single.

Philippians 1:6

6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. (ESV)

Relationship with man has become your idol: You’re sick of being single or “lonely”; your current friendships don’t satisfy you any more. Friends are too busy and they can’t spend time with you as they once did. You rely on other people to get you where you want. You’re hoping that being with a person will help you pray more, do more for God, have more fun, do more stuff.

You’re wrong. Your boyfriend, or girlfriend, or spouse, will one day fail you, disappoint you, hurt you. They will one day die, and you may be find yourself alone again. Make your primary relationship a relationship with Christ, who has already died and had been raised, who you can spend life eternal with. Remember that Christ is the Living Water and Bread of Life, he is the only relationship that will satisfy you.

John 4:14

14 but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” (ESV)

You believe that dating or marriage will affirm your beauty: You believe that if there is a man out there who wants to marry or date you, then you can be considered attractive in the eyes of men.

Ladies, because God is perfect and beautiful and you are made in His image, God will restore you to true beauty and perfection. You cannot attain true beauty and perfection through your own works, through buying more cosmetics and clothing, or dieting and exercise. Your earthly beauty will fade. You will die. Invest in things that do not perish. Let the fruit of godliness be your adornment, be clothed in in the sanctifying work of the Spirit. If God has marriage for you, you want your spouse to find beauty in your spirit and soul, which is eternal, and not simply in just your flesh and blood that will perish.

1 Timothy 2:9-10

9 likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, 10 but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works. (ESV)

You feel that by dating someone or being married will fulfill your affirmation that you are loved: You’re bitter and angry that God hasn’t given you your idol, and so you’re pursuing other activities for satisfaction. Instead of prioritizing your time and thoughts to be with Him, you seek to be filled by other people. You’re already loved and affirmed by God the Father. You are already known deeply by Him. Do not fail to delight in the knowledge of this.

You’ve made yourself an idol: You’re impatient with God that He is “slow” to give you what you truly want or think you need. You’ve decided to take matters in to your own hands? You decided that your timing is better than Gods. You’ve invested your time, energy and finances in to trying to make yourself more physically attractive instead of adorning yourself in the fruits of godliness. You’ve decided to pursue who you think ought to be your spouse, you want to choose your own spouse and forsake the decision of your Heavenly Father.

You are not God, you don’t know what is best for yourself. Left to your own devices you would choose sin and death. Let your Creator and Heavenly Father be Lord and Sovereign in your life again. He desires good things for his children and brings all things to good for those who love him. Let God surprise you again.

1 Corinthians 2:9

9 But, as it is written,

“What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,
nor the heart of man imagined,
what God has prepared for those who love him”— (ESV)

What do you do?

Pursue God, love Him, put to death your fleshly desires. Put to death your idols, for all man made idols are dead and will lead you to death. You will not be satisfied in anything but Christ, so put aside your stubbornness, lay down your pride, give back to Him your dreams for the future. Trust and know that the things he has for your are beyond what you can imagine or anticipate. Let Him woo you and romance you again. He will surprise you.

The same goes for being known. Everybody wants to be known, and for the most part, the pursuit of knowing a person is an act of love. After all, we are commanded to love God with all our mind, as well as all our strength, body and soul; to love God with all of your mind is to pursuit knowing Him right? Surely that’s why people desire fame right? Fame means to be known by many people, to be “loved” by a huge quantity of people.

As Christians, it’s okay to want to be known and to be affirmed, but who we seek satisfaction  from ought to be only from God.

The ways my desire plays out

Doing good works: Acts of service from the pure motivation that you might be seen and regarded well by others.

Feigned humility: Praising God because you want to sound humble. This doesn’t mean you should stop, but I’ve known times where I have given God lip service, not because my heart was grateful or excited about what God has done, but purely because I wanted to sound humble.

Feigned Martrydom and Pity Parties:If I don’t have any good works to show off about, I will resort to a feigned martyrdom and pity parties.

So on a Sunday morning, if you ask me, “How’s your week Lorraine?” I’ll reply, “Oh you know, really busy, work is pretty stressful right now, and I’m really tired, but I’m soldiering on!”

You are already fully known

You’re not just fully known, you’re known by the most mighty, most famous, most powerful, most lavishly rich, most loving person in the universe, you are already fully known by Jesus. Rejoice! Be satisfied and content with that. Pursue a relationship with Him, love Him and you will hear His affirmation of you when you meet Him face to face!

1 Corinthians 13:12

12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. (ESV)

Matthew 25:23

23 His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ (ESV)