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Fearing Rejection: Why Jesus is the safest and best person to love

By on January 3, 2012 in Musings

Fears of rejection

I think it’s fair to say that everyone inherently wants to be loved by someone in some way; or at least I recognise that I’m one of those people. And I think, like anyone would, I’ve love to do things in love for other people.

Unfortunately, again like everyone else, I’ve been hurt a lot it my pursuits of loving people, whether friends, men or family, I have been burnt in some way. And there are many people, especially women, who have been from being rejected and neglected to full out abandonment, abuse and assault.

Watching TV

I praying last night asking Jesus why I have any anxiety or fears of being hurt. Was it a fear of pain and persecution? Was comfort an idol to me? As I pondered over a picture of why a husband and father would return home from work after a long day’s work would rather be left alone to zone out on the TV than be hassled by a wife’s offer of a back rub and warm food on the table. How a father that might even kick off and yell at his kids desire to want to spend some after school time with their dad. Maybe even a boyfriend who doesn’t want to commit, or would lie and cheat behind your back. I prayed again this morning and Jesus was sweet to respond and give me an answer.

Jesus is not like your earthly dad, boyfriend or husband

Jesus showed me himself. Jesus would never reject an act of love towards Him, and He would never respond to us like the fathers, husbands and boyfriends of this world. Jesus reminded me of Himself through this story:-

Mark 14:3-9

3 And while he was at Bethany in the house of Simon the leper, as he was reclining at table, a woman came with an alabaster flask of ointment of pure nard, very costly, and she broke the flask and poured it over his head. 4 There were some who said to themselves indignantly, “Why was the ointment wasted like that? 5 For this ointment could have been sold for more than three hundred denarii and given to the poor.” And they scolded her. 6 But Jesus said, “Leave her alone. Why do you trouble her? She has done a beautiful thing to me. 7 For you always have the poor with you, and whenever you want, you can do good for them. But you will not always have me. 8 She has done what she could; she has anointed my body beforehand for burial. 9 And truly, I say to you, wherever the gospel is proclaimed in the whole world, what she has done will be told in memory of her.” (ESV)

Jesus was probably finishing off super or something when a woman comes to him just wanting to fulfill an act of love towards Him. She spends her year’s wage on an expensive ointment and lavishes it upon Jesus’ head.

Jesus wasn’t embarrassed, He doesn’t reject it. He doesn’t say to her, “Thanks, this was a really nice thought, can we save it for later?” Jesus doesn’t humiliate her and kick off saying, “Can’t you see I’m busy?! I’m gonna get crucified in two days!!” He doesn’t laugh at her, or shrug her off. He gives her that time, and honor.

And when Jesus’ disciples and other men give her a hard time about it, Jesus defends her and Jesus honors her act of love towards Him.

Jesus will never reject your love for Him

Jesus will never reject your love for Him. He will always make time for you, will honor your love for him, and even defend and avenge your love for Him. Jesus will never shrug you off, kick off or yell. Jesus will not betray you in acts of abuse, neglect, or abandonment. I can safely love Jesus and not get hurt by Him.

Jesus is the only person you can love and not be rejected, and for that He deserves all my heart, mind, body and soul.

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Jesus is making all things new:- Happy New Year!

By on January 1, 2012 in Musings
Revelation 21:5

5 And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” (ESV)

I write this in the early hours of the morning on New Years Day. Unable to participate in the celebrations of the New Year, I sit at this desk like a watchman of the night, making sure there’s no trouble and unruly behavior.

2011 has been a humbling and burdensome year for me.I’ve carried a lot guilt and shame about how I’m performing: how much and well I’m serving, how fruitful I am, how much time I’m in the word, and how much time I’m in prayer. In short, I put a lot of the focus of my own works and deeds, and had forgotten about the good news that brought me to my point of justification and salvation in Christ.

God did not bring me to salvation and then abandon me to figure things out on my own. My God did not forgive me of my past evils and set me free from the slavery of sin and then to simply allow me to continue a life burdened by guilt being unable to perform to an unattainable level of perfection. My God is a relational God who is in  constant pursuit of me, who is constantly working in me and through me by the power of His Holy Spirit. And ultimately, the more and more that I have been able to meditate and rest in the knowledge and understanding of God’s work, the more free and overwhelmed with joy I become.

By a lot of grace driven effort, being able to remind myself of the Gospel and work of Jesus, I have been made new at every moment I am reminded. Every reminder has served as an opportunity to turn back to Jesus. And every time I turn back to Him, no face of disapointment, but a face of love and joy. Jesus has been pusuing and romancing my heart, and I have been falling more and more in love with him. He has been restoring on to me the joy of my salvation, creating a new spirit in me, and this overwhelming joy has been my strength. There have been some sweet days these past few weeks where I get to simply rest and smile as I feel the arms of my Creator embrace me.

Anyway – this post is to remind me that for every moment of guilt or shame, every moment of disbelief or sin, every moment of anxiety or fear, disatisfaction or frustration are all opportunities for me to remind myself of the Gospel of Christ and to turn back to Jesus. And by God’s grace, because of the atoning and finished work of the cross, there is no face of dissapointment in Jesus when He looks at me, only a look of love, and in that I rejoice.

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Fig leaves and bad fruit: another reminder of why I need to hear the Gospel everyday

By on December 16, 2011 in Musings

Bad fruits: great indicators that something’s going on.

The last couple of days at work, I’ve been having these awful adult temper tantrums, I’ve been frustrated with all the awkward changes, mistakes that have been made, things that have been overlooked and problems to fix. I’ve been super tired when I get home, most nights I’ve only wanted to sleep and detach myself and self medicate. Any free time I got I just wanted to spend it on my own. Again, so much of what I was doing again was motivated by the pressure of responsibility, not grace driven effort and love. I feel like I’ve been doing this again for a while. The Holy Spirit convicted me of it, and yet somehow in my stubborness all I wanted to do stew in and glory in my anger. And it was only until my fruits of anger came out, it kinda shocked and repulsed me

Fig leaves: things we try to cover ourselves with

Fruit?

Anger: In my anger, I was seduced to the feeling of being righteous. Somehow I felt more righteous by being angry because someone is pointed to someone else being wrong and myself being right.

Control: Somehow, in the midst of feeling like I was losing control of situations, I wanted to regain control, and would try to do so in my own strength. I would have verbal outbursts or frustration, and instead of talking I would refuse any prompting of self control and speak sterner, louder and harsher.

Good works: And yet at night I wrestled with a silent shame that I was barely conscious of, a kind of guilt and shame that fogged my mind and vision. The more shame and guilt I felt at my failings the more I desired to appear that I’m actually okay. I wanted the appearance of  godliness by doing my good works to compensate., and yet could not find anything sufficient enough to cover it.

I tried hiding my mistakes with anger and frustration, I tried to hide my loss of control with being more controlling or intimidating, and I tried hiding my shame with works of righteousness. And yet these are all fig leaves, things I try to do in my own strength to hide my feeling of lack, shame, guilt and fear.

I forgot the Gospel.

This is why I became so tired, I was tired of trying to appear righteous. Tired of keeping up appearances. Tired of trying and straining and doing. I wanted the approval of man, and not from God. I had forgotten the Gospel.

Like Adam and Eve, they tried to cover their shame and nakedness with fig leaves. Yet God in his love and mercy sent them out of the garden, that they might not  live eternally in their sin by eating from the tree of life, and clothed them with animal skins to cover their nakedness. Yes, God had to put to death an animal in order for Him to cover their nakedness and shame.

The Gospel is that Jesus is my righteousness, He takes on my sin and puts on His righteousness on me. I don’t have to clothe myself in good works and deeds to be righteous, God clothes me. I don’t need to be in control, God is in control.

It seems so stupid of me to forget such elementary principals, but somehow I had forgotten to live it.

What Jesus did next…

By God’s grace, and the power of the Spirit, I confessed it all to Jesus, I asked Jesus for His forgiveness. Jesus forgave me. He has taken away my shame and guilt, and I now again can I rest. I can stop fighting and straining and struggling. Jesus has already done all the work for me on the cross. My sins died there. He’s freed me again, given life to me again today.

God looks at me with a smile upon His face, not of disappointment, not of condemnation. He is pleased with me because of what Jesus has done for me

Yet I know tomorrow I will need to return to Him, and still He will forgive me again and free me again. Does this mean I should carry on sinning that God’s grace may abound? By no means.

The unbelievable joy Jesus gives me in His forgives me strengthens me to choose Him, to choose Jesus and life, over the fleeting pleasures of sin that lead to death.

 

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Reasons why you are Struggling with Singleness

By on November 28, 2011 in Musings

It’s been a while since I’ve really reflected on being a single Christian. God has really done a great work in my heart these last past months and I am SO thankful for it. By His grace, somehow, He’s removed that inner noise in me that would persistently nag me; the desire to be married. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be someday, if God has that for me, it’s just more on the back-burner of my mind. :)

Reasons why you may be struggling

Glaring big idols

A couple of possible reasons why you may be struggling with accepting the gifts of singleness. I think there’s one reason: idolatry. You have made something, other than God, your god.

You’ve put your hope and trust that marriage will solve your problems, fulfill your calling, make ministry easier, cure your loneliness, fill your need to affection, attention or approval, affirm your attractiveness, beauty, or acceptance. Maybe you put your identity in to being married.

You believe that a godly spouse would make you closer to God: Perhaps you rightly desire a godly spouse for the wrong reasons. You believe that having a godly spouse that loves God will make you love God more. It’s tricky, because here there are good desires mixed with bad reasons. Your future spouse is not your stepping stone toward intimacy with God. Jesus is the “stepping stone”; Jesus is the narrow and only door to God the Father.

John 14:6

6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. (ESV)

You believe your call can only be fulfilled through marriage: Perhaps you feel called to have a family, plant a church, go on overseas mission, homeschool, adopt a ton of kids, or whatever, and you believe that God can only do this, or you can only fulfill your call if you are married. Whatever the status quo is, God is sovereign and beyond. God will not be stumped to achieve what he desires to bring to completion in you just because you’re single.

Philippians 1:6

6 And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. (ESV)

Relationship with man has become your idol: You’re sick of being single or “lonely”; your current friendships don’t satisfy you any more. Friends are too busy and they can’t spend time with you as they once did. You rely on other people to get you where you want. You’re hoping that being with a person will help you pray more, do more for God, have more fun, do more stuff.

You’re wrong. Your boyfriend, or girlfriend, or spouse, will one day fail you, disappoint you, hurt you. They will one day die, and you may be find yourself alone again. Make your primary relationship a relationship with Christ, who has already died and had been raised, who you can spend life eternal with. Remember that Christ is the Living Water and Bread of Life, he is the only relationship that will satisfy you.

John 4:14

14 but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” (ESV)

You believe that dating or marriage will affirm your beauty: You believe that if there is a man out there who wants to marry or date you, then you can be considered attractive in the eyes of men.

Ladies, because God is perfect and beautiful and you are made in His image, God will restore you to true beauty and perfection. You cannot attain true beauty and perfection through your own works, through buying more cosmetics and clothing, or dieting and exercise. Your earthly beauty will fade. You will die. Invest in things that do not perish. Let the fruit of godliness be your adornment, be clothed in in the sanctifying work of the Spirit. If God has marriage for you, you want your spouse to find beauty in your spirit and soul, which is eternal, and not simply in just your flesh and blood that will perish.

1 Timothy 2:9-10

9 likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, 10 but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works. (ESV)

You feel that by dating someone or being married will fulfill your affirmation that you are loved: You’re bitter and angry that God hasn’t given you your idol, and so you’re pursuing other activities for satisfaction. Instead of prioritizing your time and thoughts to be with Him, you seek to be filled by other people. You’re already loved and affirmed by God the Father. You are already known deeply by Him. Do not fail to delight in the knowledge of this.

You’ve made yourself an idol: You’re impatient with God that He is “slow” to give you what you truly want or think you need. You’ve decided to take matters in to your own hands? You decided that your timing is better than Gods. You’ve invested your time, energy and finances in to trying to make yourself more physically attractive instead of adorning yourself in the fruits of godliness. You’ve decided to pursue who you think ought to be your spouse, you want to choose your own spouse and forsake the decision of your Heavenly Father.

You are not God, you don’t know what is best for yourself. Left to your own devices you would choose sin and death. Let your Creator and Heavenly Father be Lord and Sovereign in your life again. He desires good things for his children and brings all things to good for those who love him. Let God surprise you again.

1 Corinthians 2:9

9 But, as it is written,

“What no eye has seen, nor ear heard,
nor the heart of man imagined,
what God has prepared for those who love him”— (ESV)

What do you do?

Pursue God, love Him, put to death your fleshly desires. Put to death your idols, for all man made idols are dead and will lead you to death. You will not be satisfied in anything but Christ, so put aside your stubbornness, lay down your pride, give back to Him your dreams for the future. Trust and know that the things he has for your are beyond what you can imagine or anticipate. Let Him woo you and romance you again. He will surprise you.

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To be affirmed and to be known

By on November 22, 2011 in Musings

I think every one wishes to be regarded well, and I think that’s a part of our design. We all desire to be perfect, beautiful, good.  However, where we go to to seek this affirmation varies. I ought to desire to be affirmed only by Christ, a “well done good and faithful servant”, but often find myself wrongly seeking affirmation from other people.

The same goes for being known. Everybody wants to be known, and for the most part, the pursuit of knowing a person is an act of love. After all, we are commanded to love God with all our mind, as well as all our strength, body and soul; to love God with all of your mind is to pursuit knowing Him right? Surely that’s why people desire fame right? Fame means to be known by many people, to be “loved” by a huge quantity of people.

As Christians, it’s okay to want to be known and to be affirmed, but who we seek satisfaction  from ought to be only from God.

The ways my desire plays out

Doing good works: Acts of service from the pure motivation that you might be seen and regarded well by others.

Feigned humility: Praising God because you want to sound humble. This doesn’t mean you should stop, but I’ve known times where I have given God lip service, not because my heart was grateful or excited about what God has done, but purely because I wanted to sound humble.

Feigned Martrydom and Pity Parties:If I don’t have any good works to show off about, I will resort to a feigned martyrdom and pity parties.

So on a Sunday morning, if you ask me, “How’s your week Lorraine?” I’ll reply, “Oh you know, really busy, work is pretty stressful right now, and I’m really tired, but I’m soldiering on!”

You are already fully known

You’re not just fully known, you’re known by the most mighty, most famous, most powerful, most lavishly rich, most loving person in the universe, you are already fully known by Jesus. Rejoice! Be satisfied and content with that. Pursue a relationship with Him, love Him and you will hear His affirmation of you when you meet Him face to face!

1 Corinthians 13:12

12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. (ESV)

Matthew 25:23

23 His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’ (ESV)

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How subtly idolatry was woven in to my ministry and desires

By on November 17, 2011 in Ministry, Musings

He has shown me in the last few weeks the types of idolatry I had in my heart, which can be so hard to discern, because it can be so neatly interwoven with your day to day ministry. A lot of my desires and intentions started off pure and somehow got corrupted along the way. Obviously, at the time, they were not as plain to see as they are now. I didn’t necessarily think these things, but ultimately my actions revealed to me otherwise.

Markers

Here are some of the ones I struggled with:-

Keep God’s call to love Him higher than any other call

I treated made my calling and ministry an idol: I loved my calling more than I loved the one who called me to it and made my ministry and calling more important than God.

Well of course, when you put all your hope and joy in anything other than God it doesn’t end well. God will either give you it and allow you to discover how disapointing it is, or He’ll not let you have it so you can’t worship it.

God is gracious, you don’t earn your spouse

I believed that my failure or delay to get married was due to my own failure to do or personal sin. I remember points in my walk where I was desperately asking mentors and peers to call me out on sin they saw in my life. For some reason, I thought I was single because I wasn’t worthy yet, because I still have major areas of sin in my life. I hoped that confronting and eradicating those areas myself would hasten the hope of alleviating the burden of being single. In the end I started struggling trying to take control of my sin, whatever I was doing wasn’t working so I would work harder and harder try and make myself worthy of someone – until burn out.

However, I neglected the knowledge that God is lavishly gracious. God didn’t save me because He saw potential in me. God already chose me before the foundation of the world. God chose me in spite of the foresight of knowing how much of a fool I can be. God didn’t save me because He thought I’d make a good model Christian. He saved me because He is gracious, and it has nothing to do with what I do or fail to do that will bring to completion what He has started in me. He didn’t save me because He thought I would make a good deacon, ministry leader or wife.

If God were to give me a ministry or a husband or kids, it’s not because I’ve earned it or because you’re finally worthy of someone. Same for the opposite, just because you’ve had a dirty and horrific past, doesn’t mean you don’t “deserve” a husband. In fact, if marriage was based being worthy and deserving of it – no-one but Jesus would be allowed to get married.

Besides, it’s God that sanctifies you, not about self improvement for God. Left to ourselves we rely on behavioral modification, God works on the heart.

Don’t get me wrong, this also doesn’t mean we sit back and do nothing, but in response to God’s work, out of love for what He has done we ought to love him with all our body, mind, strength and soul.

Be driven by love for God, not a love for marriage

Somehow my genuine desire for God’s glory to shine through me distorted and corrupted along the way, and I wanted to take home all that glory for myself. Somehow, my genuine desire for people to see how amazing God was to work in me turned in to a desire for people to see how amazing I am. I wanted people to think well of me, how well I lead, how well I serve, how hard I worked, how holy I am.

Of course, life isn’t about you, and the moment you think so, you ultimately in your heart will view people differently; the same happened to me. As soon as people fail to give me glory and bask in my amazingness, the inner turmoil erupts and I become a basket case for attention and pity parties.

And of course when people I worked alongside failed, I frustration turned to how others were a hindrance to my success. When people failed to give me acknowledgement, the fame I deserved, and the pat on the back, I was sour. I was bitter thinking how hard I worked and how lazy other people were. I became self-righteous. It can be really hard to see it coming, because you start with pure and godly intentions, but Satan is sneaky, and if you give him a foothold to your heart he will invade it.

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4 Years Today Jesus Rid My Disgrace

By on August 31, 2011 in Musings, Testimony

Four years ago today God saved me in spite of the things I had done and failed to do 

Four years ago today Jesus made His love known to me in spite of all I had done, and in spite of all He knew I would do. Jesus was there when my name was written in the Book of Life. In spite of the disgrace I was he gave me grace;filthier than a sewer, He came down from His heavenly home to clean me up. He sent His Holy Spirit to dwell in my heart that my defiled body might be made in to temple. Dead in sin, he ressurected my soul and gave me new life, new desires, new passion. This is the God whom I serve, whom I worship.

Four years ago today God saved me in spite of the foreknowledge of how I would still disobey Him today. 

I am overwhelmed to think that God still chose to save me four years ago in spite of His foreknowledge of how I would disobey Him now and even more in the future. I long to understand and comprehend such love, that it would give me the strength to obey my Father and live in the fullness of His will.

My relationship with Him is perfect

Though I wrongly gauge my relationship with God by the works I do, or fail to do, the Father still sees me as if I were Jesus, pure, clean and righteous in His sight. This is the Gospel. It is God who makes me righteous, not what I do. It is not what I fail to do or what I do wrong that changes how God sees me. He sees me as His daughter and delights over me with loud singing, His wrath passes over me, and in love He disciplines me as any loving father discipline his child. He corrects me in love.

I am fiercely loved

My God is fiercely in love with me. He is jealous for me. In His great zeal He will go to lengths to show me His love. He cares more for my soul than my comfort. He will fight for me, He has already won. I am precious and beloved to Him, not for what I do, but because of what He has done for me. He has bought me twice: He created me and then redeemed me. My worth is all because of the blood that was shed for me that paid for my life.

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Thankfulness: we get the joy, and He gets the glory

By on May 26, 2011 in Musings

God has been faithful to keep loving me in spite of so many thing. He has blessed me and corrected me in my ways I feel He’s been really pressing in to me to have a heart of thanksgiving.

I’ve been struggling a lot these last few weeks with a feeling of dissatisfaction in God, even though I know that only God can satisfy, my heart keeps turning to other things, like boys, fantasies of marriage or beauty… whatever…  Like I said, in spite of the idolatrous heart I have he keeps loving me, keeps working on me, keeps pursuing and speaking to me.

He spoke to me about needing a thankful heart

Romans 1:21

21 For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. (ESV)

Psalm 50:14

14 Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving,
and perform your vows to the Most High, (ESV)

Scripture talks a lot about giving thanks to God… but I can’t help feeling this deep sense or conviction that God desires me to have this heart, that I should be giving thanks to Him daily.

And it makes sense to do so, for when I do, I acknowledge His works and once again when my lips speak of all the things He has done for me I am filled with praise. I do so and I realise the abundance of all He has given me, delight all the things He created, amaze myself at the things He has orchestrated. Indeed I serve an incredible God and I he becomes to me even more glorious as my praises and thanks rise to Him. I realise how little I do and how much He does for me. Indeed He deserves the glory, and when we give thanks to Him, we get the joy, He gets the glory. It’s a beautiful relationship, poetic and brilliant.

Best of all, He has given me His Son. I don’t have to do anything, it’s already been done. All I need to do is receive it, give Him thanks. I get that joy and He gets the glory. He has authored my salvation. He will perfect my faith.

Nowadays I urge myself in the somewhat delirious states of waking to thank Him that I get to wake up on this side of my salvation. At the moment the sun rises early and by the time it’s 6.30am in the morning light floods my room, and on clear days my eyes delight in seeing snow capped mountains and blue bird skies. It’s a even more wonderful feeling knowing that my Lord has given me this pleasure.

Even as I write now, the weariness of my last 48 hours have melted away in His warmth as I meditate over His works. I am filled with peace once again. As I meditate, the seeming light of my idols grow dim and He ever more bright, and I become satisfied by Him once again.

I have a lot of things I’m in need to pray for, some of which I can’t discuss. One of the main ones would be a means of staying here… and by means I mean a visa. My lawyers have submitted a bunch of forms for me, and now I’m in the waiting line. It may not be until August that I get a couple of questions and a response. My visa ends in August.

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Carnal College, Cheerleaders and Porn Stars: living in nostalgia and pursuing God’s glory

By on January 28, 2011 in Stories, Testimony

Flashback a couple years

As I mentioned in previous posts, I was born and raised in England. It was only about a year ago that it really acknowledged the idea that I went to a Christian primary school (aka elementary school). And after that I attended a “Christian” secondary school; in fact, it was more of a all girls grammar school. My high school was a very academic forward school, you had to pass a test, the ‘Eleven Plus’ test, and the girls I studied with were all very bright and intelligent girls. Our school instilled to us that the natural path to take after your GCSE exams were to continue to A levels, which would enable you to apply for university. My school was very good at guidance and support on careers, and was very supportive all its young ladies in their application to universities across the UK.

Carnal College and Cheerleaders: my last day in High-School and a nice send off

Looking back now, my last day of high school was a bizaare one. All of us in the year dressed up in various different outfits from nerds, to ballerinas, commando (the army kind, not naked kind), and all sorts. I dressed up as an cheerleader. I wore my hair in pig tails, with red and white pom-poms, white trainers with red leg warmers, a short white skirt and a red tee-shirt that read “Carnal College: A school for morally corrupt girls”. That’s right… it was pretty crude.

Last day of high-school: summer 2004

The last day we sat in the assembly hall with some of our teachers and shared our last moments together with some novel prizes and reminiscent speeches. Our classmates handed out various certificates for giggles. We had certificates for things like “First to get Famous”, “First to marry a footballer”, “Most likely to end up in a West-End musical” that sort of semi-predictive award.

So of course, who else would be more qualified to receive the “Most likely to become a Porn Star” than the little 18 year old asian girl in with the red and white pom-poms and the tee-shirt reading “Carnal College”? I suppose at this time, it was more because I would openly talk about my carnality quite openly as opposed the the number of encounters I had. Needless to say, I must have developed some kind of reputation. I proudly got up and received my certificate that was awarded by my year and signed by my headmistress.

Porn Stars

There was a time in my life, and I would have been around the age of 16/17 years onward where the occupation of porn star didn’t really make me think twice. I used to love dressing up in all the cliche type outfits, we would go out dressed as french maids, bunnies, nurses, that kinda thing. Like I said before, sex equated to love and intimacy for me, and being a job that required that much “love and intimacy” seemed like a win win situation for me. Sex was very much like an icebreaker for me, a way to attract and keep boys. It pretty much “worked” for the first few years, so it seemed like the natural pattern to follow.

Fame and God’s Glory

This morning, in my daily Bible reading, I came across this verse, of which when I read it struck a chord within my being.

Acts 4:8-12

8 Then Peter, filled with the Holy Spirit, said to them, “Rulers of the people and elders, 9 if we are being examined today concerning a good deed done to a crippled man, by what means this man has been healed, 10 let it be known to all of you and to all the people of Israel that by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom you crucified, whom God raised from the dead—by him this man is standing before you well. 11 This Jesus is the stone that was rejected by you, the builders, which has become the cornerstone. 12 And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.” (ESV)

I suppose that for that moment I saw myself like that man that Peter was talking about, who was lame from birth, who was carried daily to the gate of the temple to beg for alms. The whole city must have know who he was and his disability. Similarly, there are a lot of people I once mingled with daily, who know what I was like in my teen years and early adulthood, but have no idea about what Jesus has done in my life and how He’s transformed it.

Looking back in retrospect, I can see God’s timing in my salvation. He called me back to Himself whilst I was on holiday just before I was to begin the first semester of my last year at university. Most of my friends had already graduated, I was just about to move in to a new apartment, and I had a fresh slate to start on. I was far removed from many of the temptations and habits of my former life and was given a white washed path to walk on.

And since that year, I have moved around so much and have been planted in so many places, that not many people know who or what I once was. I’ve often struggled to simply let it be, and more often than not wanted people to know the things I once did. Not to shock them but to be able to be like the beggar and declare on the top of my lungs “I once was lame, but now I walk!”

Leaning on Past Glories

I suppose I am still living on the past glory of wanting people to see the change I have been through, and now entering this more current season of my life have neglected to see as equal value in allowing people to see the perpetual transformation that Jesus is making in my life right now. When I look at the lives of some of my more mature friends, few are those who would give me their early life history. I see in the life they living now how much of a testimony to the transforming power of Christ. I see it in the way they so naturally do beautiful things, how Christ is infused in their lives like a sweet aroma. That in itself is of equal power to their story of salvation.

Acts 4:12

12 And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.” (ESV)

Pursing His Glory

None the less, although the more epic story of my salvation has more drama than my mellower walk right now, I realize that I lean more on my story of salvation to glorify God, than rightly placing my heart on continuing to give glory to him through letting His Spirit convict me and mold me through the reading of His word. I lack the zeal I once had of God’s glory. I hang on to the past glory and do little work towards His future glory. I am like one of those nostalgic grandmothers who will talk until the cows come home of all the things she once did, but have nothing to say about what she does now.

I forget the importance of finishing well. No matter whether I am one of the lost sheep or a part of the ninety nine, my life needs to consistently point back to Jesus in way where I can daily declare in my life no matter what that there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved

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Wearing your heart on your sleeve: why I think vulnerability is a good thing.

By on January 21, 2011 in Church Planting, Musings, My Calling

The last couple of days I have been disheartened.

It has been an answer to prayer for me that finally I’ve got my act together and have made a more consorted effort to pursue a Permanent Resident status in Canada. The last couple of weeks prior I have been thinking, more than praying, about covenanting with my church for an indefinite period, to partner with them in the work and the ministry Jesus has called us to the town of which I’ve had the pleasure of church planting in. I remember my call to be involved in a church plant, and I remember the freshness and the newness of all the excitement. The greenness of it all has matured somewhat and I feel like its leaves have darkened to the sun. Still, I feel the pull to continue and persevere, to toil in the sun until harvest is ready.

My town is a strange place. My town is a a sea where the people are like driftwood getting tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. Where I work, and play, I do life amongst transients, neither settling or going anywhere.

My church family, whom I have the deepest affection, commitment and love, although more rooted near a stream, will occasionally get replanted somewhere else. The first time in a long time, it dawned on me that a foreign parasite in me has secreted its first toxic thought. It wanted me to emotionally detach from members of my church family whom I knew would be replanted somewhere else. There was a temptation to not want to spiritually, emotionally, nor lovingly commit or invest in the specific or certain lives of a few, and to have my heart broken when they leave or move on.

Honestly speaking, I am so fearful of having my heart broken, or am so fearful of rejection, often at times, I push people away. Relationships of the more romantic nature are worse for me, I suppose it’s because it involves so much intimacy and so much vulnerability. Yet I have to let myself be hurt by others.

I have a selfish desire to avoid suffering like this, to want to cut my losses now, than to later suffer a greater hurt. I wanted to protect the sanctum of the cosey and comfortable bubble of safe and dependable relationships.

Then, the familiar stench of it woke me up to tears like a smelling salt in my nostrils; I have already felt it before in the summer where I crashed and burned. All friendships, relationships that you embark and invest in have that potentiality for hurt. People fail each other all time, and there will never be a relationship between any two people in the world where one has not hurt or sinned against another.

When I think of all the lives that God so lovingly pours Himself out on, that in His meekness would come as a man to be vulnerable and to be hurt, in order that a few lives may be saved. Day and night, my God holds His hands out, He stoops down to a world of obstinate people, in his patience and mercy extends His love and grace to all who would accept. Day after day, maybe millions of relationships that God has extended His hand to are spat back at His face. Millions by the day are perishing in their sin, and God suffers the hurt of all who are too hardened to return back to Him. Yet, He does not relent. He pursues us fearlessly and fearless of hurt, he pursues us sacrificially and selflessly. He does so knowingly that many will reject Him and a chance at relationship will be lost for eternity, that some of whom He has knitted from womb must suffer the eternal and conscious torment of His wrath. His heart must break unlike any heartbreak I can imagine.

Who am I to encase His love and buttress all the stops that would otherwise pour in to the lives of others. Should I not imitate Him who is an unceasing fountain ready to water all? Who am I to cower within the self molly coddling walls I have forged?

Jesus, my God and Savior lead a life that not only risked a broken heart, but an earthly life that ended in complete vulnerability, suffering and heartbreak that my relationship might be reconciled back to my Heavenly Father and Creator.

My Reading Today

It’s been a while since I’ve had the opportunity to hang out at a cafe and just spend some time journalling and in the Word. Worth it.

Anyway… as a part of my life journalling, my reading today included this passage.

Luke 21:34-36

34 “But watch yourselves lest your hearts be weighed down with dissipation and drunkenness and cares of this life, and that day come upon you suddenly like a trap. 35 For it will come upon all who dwell on the face of the whole earth. 36 But stay awake at all times, praying that you may have strength to escape all these things that are going to take place, and to stand before the Son of Man.” (ESV)

It made me aware of how the things in life can weigh my heart down and distract me from the calling the Lord has for me. That I shouldn’t be weighed down with the fear of hurt and broken ties. Rather that I should hold fast to the Lord, my Rock who does not waiver, who is fairthful and does not relent. That I should seek His kingdom first and his righteousness, and everything else that I don’t need to be freaking out about will be taken care of, (loose paraphrase).

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